Issue #3 2nd May 2002

Transmitting Satire From Scotland

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Tommy Sheridan: My Taxi Shame

Charismatic Socialist leader Tommy Sheridan today revealed the shameful reason he takes taxis everywhere: beggars. "It sounds terrible," says perma-tanned Sheridan, shrugging his shoulders in a gesture of helplessness, "but I simply can't walk the streets, or take the bus anymore. Of course, I want to get out there amongst the people - but being the leader of the Scottish Socialists, I am an instant magnet for the desparate and the hopeless. And there are so many beggars out there, thanks to this government's continuance of Thatcherite policy thankyouverymuchladiesandgentlemen, that to carry enough loose change to hand out to them all would ruin the cut of my suit. In fact, there are so many beggars these days, I'm not sure I could even afford to give generously to every one I met on my wages. And if I stopped to talk to each and every one, I would miss so many appointments." Tommy believes he is damned if he does, and damned if he doesn't. "The problem is, although I could still walk to appointments, failing to spend enough time and money with each beggar would cost me a great deal in negative publicity, which I just can't afford. The press can slag me off about legalising cannabis, or banning nuclear weapons, but to have a go at me for ignoring the poor would cut me to the quick." And so, Sheridan leaves our meeting in a black cab, with a wistful but determined look on his face. "Just remember as your taxi whisks past all those beggars on the streets. When I am in power, they won't be there any more."

School's Shit Jobs Programme a Roaring Success

Dundee’s McGonagall Academy secondary school has introduced a new scheme recently to give pupils job experience skills – with impressive results. The scheme involves pupils shadowing workers in chemical plants, sewers, and municipal dumps, to get experience of the sort of jobs available to those who fail to earn any qualifications. "The idea is that we let pupils see what range of jobs are on offer, should they fail to get an apprenticeship or the necessary grades to try further education. And so far, it has proven very effective. Goodness knows, there are a lot of shit jobs out there, and it gives pupils serious food for thought."

"No way am I spending the rest of my life picking up litter," said visibly shaken pupil Joanne McCafferty, 15, "but if you’ll excuse me now, I’ve got some extra homework to be getting on with."

Your Cut & Paste Guide to Scottish Newspapers

A little known fact about Scotland is that the country has perhaps the highest per capita newspaper readership in the world. Whether they come in sizes large or small, colourful or plain black and white, you will find Scots reading them. So to celebrate this fact, we present our cut & paste guide to the main Scottish newspapers:
    • Daily Record: unofficial mouthpiece of the Labour party. Known for its realistic mock ups of photos of celebrities in fanciful, but entirely ficticious, positions. Most like: Prava crossed with National Enquirer.
  • The Sun: right wing rant rag that attracts unwitting red blooded sexists to its xenophobic ‘johnny foreigner go home’ diatribes through the liberal use of pictures of healthily tanned, bikini clad blondes. Most like: German newspapers of the 1930s.
  • The Herald: broadsheet read by only a tiny handful of people. Its headlines are so descriptive that there is no need to read the accompanying text. Most like: An airliner passenger safety card.
  • The Scotsman: pompus paper that would be good, were it not for the overweening ego of its editor, stifling all creativity and talent from its few remaining, non arselicking staff. Most like: Bo Derek’s ‘Tarzan.’
  • Metro: free daily paper found at city railway stations and bus depots. Chiefly notable for the bizarre letters page, of which surely 90% is invented by staff writers on drugs. Most like: Viz.
  • Press & Journal: finds the Doric angle in any stories of the day. Chiefly notable for being the only paper capable of running sports stories that don’t involve Rangers, Celtic, or the SRU. Most like: Farming Today.
  • Sunday Post: Scottish institution that never seems to change from its early 60s, pre-Beatles timewarp view of the world. Has had the same columnists and couthy cartoons since the signing of the National Covenant, and a letters page consisting entirely of pictures of people’s grandchildren and complaints over the cost of a scone in tearooms. Beyond satire. Most like: Alzheimer’s disease.

Committed Canoeist: 'I Wish I Could Find a Life Partner'

Keen Canoeist Bill Johnson, 31, yesterday admitted to a friend over a beer that he wished he could find a life partner, but that it seemed so hard to do so. "It's not like I'm stupid, or ugly," he said, adjusting the zipper on his 5-season cagoule, and running fingers through his luxurious beard, "but I cannot seem to find a woman anywhere." A typical week for Mr Johnson includes spending Thursday night buying food and packing gear, Friday driving into the Highlands, Saturday and Sunday spending time on the rivers, and Monday night laundering and resting - leaving only Tuesday and Wednesday night for household and social activities, nights which are often spent at slideshows on the outdoors or at talks from famous canoeists. Often while out canoeing, Mr Johnson confessed, he fantasises about meeting lady canoeists, or perhaps meeting someone in a Glasgow bar - except all his friends are also into canoeing, and wouldn't be interested in staying in the city at weekends. "It is very difficult," Mr Johnson concluded. "It seems to me you have to make a choice - sex or canoeing. And right now, I'm not entirely happy that canoeing always seems to win."
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to truth or humour is strictly coincidental. Copyleft 2002 Craig Weldon.