Issue24 3rd Sept 2003
Transmitting Satire From Scotland
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Virtual
Tour of Scotland FirstFoot Jaggy Thistle Wreckered Webrag |
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McCartney Weds in Fairytale Scottish CastleFashion designer and daughter of international superstar Sir Paul McCartney, Stella, married this weekend on the Island of Bute, in fairytale gothic Victorian confection Mount Stuart House. Bute is near one of McCartney's childhood homes on Kintyre, and is suitably below the radar as a tourist destination to guarantee a fairly normal superstar wedding.Other famous names in attendance included Tuborg Tyler, Miller Moss, Carling Jagger and Newcastle Brown Osbourne. Hootsmon.com - no pun too poor! |
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Scotland's Most Moaning-Faced Man RevealedScotland's least coveted but most fiercely contested award was won recently by Vale of Leven man Bob McGlumphey. Bob, a long-serving worker with West Dunbartonshire Council, was nominated unanimously by his colleagues and is now the proud possesor of the title of Scotland's Most Moaning-Faced Git. The 39-year-old McGlumphey was thrilled to bits with the news. "Aye, fucking fantastic, that's whit it bloody well is," he spat through almost comically clenched teeth. "None of thae other cheery charlies [in the contest] had a bloody clue. It makes me boak that these flooer-picking prancers are considered moaning-faced - how many of them have dated a soor-faced hoor fae Renton? Then deliberately ca'ed her a stupid, useless bitch to the extent that she had to leave, just so they can have more tae moan aboot? Nane ay them. Take it from me, Sunny Jim, life's a basket of shite." Bob, an immense cheapskate and long-term supporter of an Old Firm football team despite having never set foot inside their stadium, is now eligible to enter the World's Most Moaning-Faced Git competition, to be held in in Yorkshire, spiritual home of girning. However, despite being strong favourite, Scotland's biggest bundle of negative energy will probably remain too apathetic to enter. "Aye, I'd enter, but I winna win," he informed us. How come? "Cos the world fuckin hates me, that's how." |
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ScotsBride.comA new websites devoted to Scottish brides. Not inspired by Russian brides or Thai brides, not at all. No chance. Think that, and you're looking for a new face - and that's just the brides speaking:Senga, 21, Glasgow Hi! Ahm Senga. Gonnae sort this fuckin internet oot or whit? Ahve jist fucking pit ma pure mouse oan the boax an its daen fuck aw! Whit?! Aw, the ither boax. Aye. So. Here we is. You an me darlin. Me, ahm intae pubs, clubs, havin a guid time. You, you're Brad Pitt or ye kin FUCK OFF. Cannae wait tae tell ye aw aboot the guys wha've used an abused me in the past. Ahm single an waitin, by the way. Claire, 25, Aberdeen Look at me, I'm sexy. Want to get with me? Going to cost ya. Money? Oh, there you go, that's what I like. Here's a wee flash. You want some more? Thought you did. Let's go home and talk about it. No, not MY home, you idiot. Play the game, for fuck's sake. Mhairidh, 19, Western Isles Oh, hello! You'll be wanting to know about me now! Don't tell my folks, they think I'm reading Good Works online! I'm looking for a man who can handle sheep AND traffic lights. Is that asking too much?! AND can take me away from this God-forsaken island. Oh, the blasphemy! I knit. Chloe, 31, Edinburgh Hello. One doesn't know quite what to say in situtations like this! I have a nice flat, a fridge, and a car. Looking for a man who can navigate his way through life with aplomb, preferable with my plomb! Snort snort! OK, let's cut to the chase gentlemen. I'm squirming with the excruciating embarrassment of knowing my aquaintances can read this ad. I don't care who you are, so long as you're some hot Australian bar-working stud who can give me sheep's eyes whilst ignoring my friends, ok! Ya?! |
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