Issue #1 4th April 2002

Transmitting Satire From Scotland

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UK in Quiet Self-Congratulation Over Queen Mum Death Response

The longest anticipated event in postwar British history, the unfortunate death of Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother, has finally occurred - to scenes of dignity, respect, and above all, pre-scripted order. When Buckingham Palace posted the news last Sunday afternoon, a highly trained team of reporters, journalists, and auxiliary staff sprang into action. Prerehearsed lines were delivered verbatim by reporters, with just the correct amount of gravitas and sobreity in delivery. Prewritten texts, double-checked years ago for tone and content, were brought out of storage for use in magazines, newspapers, and press releases. Leaders of state, and prominent figures in national life, all had the opportunity to release short statements of regret, statements that they had penned years ago as one of their first duties in public office. And a grieving public, well conditioned to the notion of the Queen Mother’s mortality, reacted in kind, with a measured, respectful, and premeditated outpouring of grief. "I think it all went rather well," said BBC journalist Calvin Crow, a few days later. "This is an event that I have been preparing for my entire career, and now that it has happened, everything went just as smoothly as could possibly be. Hats off to the BBC – and everyone else involved in reporting, and reacting to, the death of the Queen Mother. Britain has done herself proud."

Now that the Queen Mother has left us, the BBC is arranging plans to deal with the unfortunate future death of the Queen herself, confident from recent experience that all should go smoothly and predictably.

Tartan Day Passes in Haze of Celtic Misidentification

April 6th, New York. On the 3rd annual Tartan Day - a new US based celebration of all things Scottish - revellers revealed their bewilderment at a second big Irish celebration in as many months. As squads of kilted pipers marched down the main streets of Manhattan, confused newcomer Li Kew Kun was moved to ask "so, they are celebrating the Irish holiday again? Wasn't that last month?" A bellringer stood in Central Park, reeling off names of famous Americans of Scottish descent, which only added to the general confusion. "President Kennedy, Washington Irving, John Muir. All these guys were Irish surely?" said history student Karey Bell. New York reveller, Jim Buchowsky, was also disappointed. "Where are all the Guiness stalls? Sure, there is plenty of whiskey floating about, but what do I want with that on a hot spring afternoon?" Other bemused revellers were able to find a beer tent, but revealed their disappointment at being unable to get some tartan coloured lager. "Well gee," said Jeb Hicks, "this is just regular beer. At least on St Paddy's Day they have the courtesy to turn it green. So much for Tartan Day." At least there was one thing everyone was able to agree on. "Scotland must be quite a picturesque, quaint wee place, what with all the men dressed in kilts," said out-of-town Ohio native Ira Fudd. "I can't wait to see it for myself."

Stephen Byres Leaves Government For Lucrative Inter-City Job

When government ministers leave the corridors and private bars of Westminster for the last time, either through retirement, losing their seat, or being sacked, they know that somewhere, should they want it, there is a lucrative part time board-level job in an ambitious City company. Ex-government ministers are valued by companies for their knowledge of government procedure, and their remaining contacts in the corridors of power. And sometimes, their talent. So when Stephen Byres, transport minister infamous for his disintegrating department and poor grip on national integrated trasport policy, resigned recently in our imagination, it was with surprise that he took not a lucrative City job, but an InterCity one. "It makes perfect sense," said Mr Byres, after enjoying his first week on the job as a driver on the Aberdeen to Southampton run, "I get to make good money, work four days a week, and don’t have to worry about anything except red lights. I couldn’t beat them when I was a minister, so I thought to myself, ‘why not join them?’ So here I am."

Missing Climber Found in Hawaii

Search and rescue teams were relieved but furious to discover that climber Norbert Echard, who went missing in atrocious conditions in Glencoe last week, has been discovered safe and well in the tropical holiday paradise of Hawaii. "Mr Echard left his car in the Lost Valley car park, with a note saying he would be back the same day," explained a bloke with a beard and two way radio. "So when he never came back, we feared the worst, and started a search the next day. If he had only informed the police that he was down, then we would all have saved a lot of time, effort, and worry." "Hey, I’m ok," said Mr Echard, when we interviewed him. "I couldn’t get my car to start, but I had to get the plane to Hawaii, so just hitched down the road. I’ll pick it up next weekend. What does anyone care what I get up to?"
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to truth or humour is strictly coincidental. Copyleft 2002 Craig Weldon.