Issue36 4th Jun 2004

Transmitting Satire From Scotland

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It's The War Issue! (Again)

War, What is it Good For? "Absolutely Nothing," as far as Edwin Starr was concerned. But what did Edwin Starr know! How many tank regiments and B-52 bases did he command, eh? 'Absolutely None'! Which is why we bring you the following war-themed Hootsmon.com, huh!

Lawn Mowing Torture Photies

SCENE WAN
We are here tae gie Iraqis the right tae mow their ain lawn!

Away and fuck yersels, mah mower'll feel yer baws.

Fuck aff the pair o' yees, gies a bit o' peace tae mow oor ain lawns.


SCENE TWA
Ha ha! Git this B-2 mower right up yis!

That's me oot o here, mawfuckin Abrams tank mowing cunts!

Gonnae no mow doon the flooers? - aw fuck!


SCENE TREE
This gairden o' Eden's pure mowed, by the way, swatch this:


<>

Some cunts cut the grass aw wrang. Hey Shug, see's yer chainsaw.


SCENE FAIR
Fuck knows.....

Those Real Torture Photies

"If you were in the army, you'd dae it anaw," suggests a pub friend on the torture subject. "Being shot at, attacked, hated for nowt." Now that's pure speculation, 'cos if I was in the army, I'd go AWOL, partly from being allergic to being shot at, and partly from knowing that any other service is a better number. With better gear. Unreliable radios and guns versus the Raf's Tornado F3s and hardened shelters? Geez a brek. And if you mowed some other fellas lawn, invade some other okes country, you would expect a bit of, eh, resistance.

Which is what the British forces expected, and with very few exceptions have dealt with, to their immense credit.

And the American forces also expected, and have mainly not dealt with, to their immense leadership vaccuum. (Just because the Boers, Afghans, and Vietnamese refused to accept the odds were stacked against them, doesn't mean they will be the last.)

So, anyway, torture photies. Not good.

But then torture photies are easy to fake. Look at the following torture photie for example:

Faroes 2, Scotland 0

Oh, that's real? Shit.

But even though the British torture photies are fake (sadly, there's nae doot the American ones represent real events), the damage to UK/Iraqi relationships has been done.

Wan less reason fur wanting tae be in the British Army, wan mair fur looking at that F3 wi' a hardened shelter.

Euro-Election Special

It's Euro time! Vote for your favourite party - (not favourite person, its all list-based) - and watch them elect a representative for you through the magic of Proportional Representation! So, unlike Westminster, your vote is *not* a wasted vote - so get out there and do your duty on the 10th! Here is Hootsmon.com's guide to the parties vying for your attention:

SNP:
Stand for: fishing industry.
Strengths: Consistent, if opportunist stance against war in Iraq.
Weaknesses: As a protest party, vulnerable to switches to new protest parties, like SSP or Greens.
Website: *Still* frames. Avoid.

Tories:
Stand for: Caa'ing canny.
Strengths: Has potentially large Euro-lukewarm support.
Weaknesses: Has ex-Thatcherite leader.
Website: Oh dear. Gone are the amusing anti-Holyrood slogans of the last campaign, in are pictures of Michael Howard. You can do better than that, Scottish Tories. Give us some proper Euro-bashing ads, something about the 'Council of Spin-isters', or a picture of Labour's MEPs with Tony Blair and the slogan 'Red Tape'. You can have those, they're free.

LibDems:
Stand for: Diving right in. Come on in, the European water's lovely!
Strengths: Charles Kennedy is a man of the people, in tune with ordinary folks.
Weaknesses: Charles Kennedy appears not to give a shit.
Website: Colourful and chunky, like a webpage hosted on a ZX Spectrum.

Labour:
Stand for: Europe. That's Europe. It's all about Europe. Europe, *not* Iraq.
Strengths: No manifesto. Let's face it, 'invade Iraq' was never going to be a vote-winner.
Weaknesses: Invading Iraq.
Website: Much more attractive people on front page than last time I visited. Well done! Do MEPs have better tailors than MSPs? Or is fighting wars in Iraq sexier than school funding?

SSP:
Stand for: international socialism, by pulling out of all international treaties and creating an isolationist Peoples Independent Socialist Scottish Republic to act as a beacon of hope to the rest of the world.
Strengths: Utter conviction of, on the surface, laudable principles.
Weaknesses: Beneath the surface, principles are completely hatstand.
Website: White, black, red and yellow, like a Manchester United away strip with a big red star and a photo of Rosie Kane on the front.

Greens:
Stand for: being nice.
Strengths: Nice.
Weaknesses: They are too nice.
Website: Lovely photo of a wind turbine, with an environmentally friendly routemaster bus painted with sunflowers. Awww!

UKIP:
Stand for: Ourselves Alone.
Strengths: We get to keep ounces, shillings, and the right to send small boys up chimneys.
Weaknesses: Supported by cock-tongued, radiation-faced Boaby, Kilroy-Silk.
Website: Mainly clean easy-reading design, some attractive smatterings of colour to add interest. No pictures of Europe though, hmm (?)
Nice gimmick of free e-mail hosting - choose from hootsmon@keepthepound.co.uk, hootsmon@iwantout.co.uk, hootsmon@weshallfightthemonthebeaches.co.uk.

BNP:
Stand for: Forced repatriation of non-whites, jobs for the whites, bulldog tattoos, football hooliganism, etc.
Strengths (sadly): Based on envy, hate and fear.
Weaknesses: Morally bereft; unavoidable association with fascism and therefore Nazi party.
Website: Fuck that.

A Handy Guide
For Tabloid Hacks
to the Nicknames of the Rich and Famous
of Scottish Politics

'Union Jack' McConnell
(For his insistence on slavishly following Westminster policy without any devolutionarist Dewerinian innovation at all.)

'Screaming Lord' Sheridan
(For his frankly hatstand headline policies, mixed with many radical yet sensible bread & butter ones.)

Alex 'Smirking' Salmond
(Alex Salmond of the SNP at Westminster, you're a talented man, tell us why most Scottish politicians of talent head for the public schoolboy playground of Westminster?)

Jim 'Wallace, who the f*ck is Wallace?' Wallace
(Honestly, who the fuck *is* Alice?)

Cathy 'Easy Rider' Jamieson
(There's not any other women on this list. This is because most women at Holyrood are crap. This is because most women at Holyrood, except for the effective but undemonstrative ones like Jackie Baillie, or the talented but sacked ones like Wendy Alexander, are Labour list. Rosanna Cunningham, the floor is yours.)

Frank 'Signed Programme' MacAveety
(Any tabloid journo slags Francis has Hootsmon.com to deal with. Francis MacAveety is the man. His programme is signed.)

David 'McClenshite' McLetchie
(A shit nickname; but when was the last time you heard of McLetchie doing anything syne the last election? 'Davie McDaeFuckaw' as well as anything.)

Robin Harper. Robin Harper.
(Wait, it may come, but not *everyone* at Holyrood has to be an easily categorisable cuntstick....)

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to truth or humour is strictly coincidental. Copyleft 2003 Craig Weldon.