Issue31 6th Jan 2004
Transmitting Satire From Scotland
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Tour of Scotland FirstFoot Jaggy Thistle Wreckered Webrag |
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It is normal at this time of year to provide a review of the year and rehash some old stories. Here at hootsmon.com we say: "Naaaaah!" If you want to read old stories, go to the past issues. Instead, here is a special feature…. |
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The Four Placenames of Britain
No doubt you have heard of the four peaks of Britain - Scafell Pike, Carrountoohill, Snowdon, and Ben Nevis. Or perhaps you know of the four compass points - Ardnamurchan, Dunnet, Lizard, and Great Yarmouth. Maybe you have even thought of visiting all four. There is a certain charm to the idea of standing on top of the highest mountain in each country in the British Isles, or visiting the extreme compass points of the British mainland. These are the kind of neat, oddly satisfying quests that have driven the worryingly trainspotter-ish British people for decades. Well, consider names. Placenames. Specifically, the funniest placenames in the British Isles - funny, that is, if your sense of humour is juvenile, half-developed, and emotionally retarded. As this describes my own sense of humour to a tee, and as I display worryingly trainspotter-ish tendencies, I made it my mission to visit the four funniest placenames of England, Ireland, Scotland, and Wales.
It all started in Muff. That's right, Muff. A coastal town in Donegal, just over the border from Northern Ireland. Drive all thoughts about diving schools out of your mind right now. Muff is a small, pretty non-descript town, except for the annual Muff Festival, and of course its wonderful name. But on making the short detour between Stroke City and Letterkenny just to visit such a singularly named town, my mind started to wander. What was the funniest placename back home? Could it be as funny as Muff? If it was, I surely had to visit. Back from Ireland, I consulted an atlas of Britain, and the quest was born.  Skokholm island, off the south-western tip of Wales, is well worth a visit. So long as you are aware that you pay three times for the privilege (at the car park, on the ferry, and on arriving at the island itself - the Welsh tourist board is the most fly, efficient money-parting system that I have ever seen in my life, up to and including the casinos of Las Vegas). Having paid your dues, you have the pleasure of visiting a pretty little island absolutely chock full of seabirds. These birds nest freely on the island and visitors are required to stick to the path - a small price to pay to see the birds in such numbers, nesting freely on the island's slopes and hummocks. A fine weekend can be had in this area, walking along the Pembrokeshire coast and taking a pint in the local pubs, some of which stay open till 1am or later. On the way home from Skokholm, you might want to make a small detour to the funniest placename in Wales, and, believe me, it's a cracker. If you are a Welsh speaker, the name Cwm-Felin Boeth isn't very amusing. However, if your mind works like mine, you'll find the thought of a village called Cwm-Felin Boeth very amusing indeed. Witnessing the road sign at the entrance to Cwm-Felin Boeth was the climax of a long cherished ambition, and I was extremely excited, getting my picture taken next to the sign, and taking photographs of the surrounding fields, walls, bridge, crossroads, and building. And that, pretty much, is all there is to Cwm-Felin Boeth. The place leaves no great impression except for a warm glow on having finally visited the funniest placename in Wales and, arguably, the whole of Britain.
 Winter, 2001. Driving north through England to get home to the West of Scotland for Christmas. My friends are also heading north, to East Yorkshire, and enquire about a lift. At first I was reluctant; after all, Yorkshire is on the wrong side of the country, but, on discovering that they were going to Bridlington, not only near the easiest hill in Britain, but also the funniest placename in England, I was of course right up for it. Wetwang, in Yorkshire, has the unique claim that Richard Whiteley, of Countdown fame, is mayor. Surely this is the most distinguished of all the funny placenames. A veritable royal jester of a name. Being next to the easiest hill in the country makes it well worth a visit, for all sorts of odd, trainspotterish-tendency related reasons. Here are two of the most singular things in Britain, despite there being nothing spectacular of note to see here. One feels like the historian standing in the housing estate that used to be a great battlefield, feeling the greatness of the place despite any visual evidence to the contrary.
 My mini-quest climaxed in Twatt. Scotland is fortunate in possessing two Twatts, one in Shetland, and one in Orkney (three counting Jack McConnell - boom boom). Again, like Cwm-Felin Boeth, Twatt is not pronounced exactly as spelt, thus minimising the impact of the name a little, but this is a minor gripe. More serious was the disappointment in finding that there were no roadsigns at the entrance to the village announcing where I was, but, at the crossroads, the Church of Twatt more than made up for this. Here I was, at the end of my quest, having bagged all the funniest placenames in each of Ireland, Wales, England, and now Scotland. I thought long of each settlement, each with its special place in my heart. It was a beautiful sunny day, and the chuch's noticeboard intimated that this month, the minister would be preaching at Twatt, Harray, Sandwick, and Twatt. It was a good day to be alive. I still had the World Heritage Site of Skara Brae to look forward to. A local was sitting outside her house, enjoying the sun.
"Excuse me," I said, "where am I?" She looked at me a little wearily. "Twatt." "Thanks!" I pedalled off, a song in my heart. |