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It's The Euro Issue!
Hey, let's go! Not in a cheesy euro-disco kind of way, but in that other, non-cheesy, euro-disco kind of way!
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Foreign Minions of the Dark Lord to Feast on the Bounty That is Britain's Welfare System, Reveals Daily Mail
EXCLUSIVE: Hordes of work-shy, asylum-seeking living dead, numbering up to some entirely unrealistic figure, will inevitably invade Britain over the next year if David Blunkett and Jaques Delores have their Euro way, your Daily Mail can exclusively reveal!
Our nurses - angels of virtue to a woman (and some men - hey, whatever floats their boat) will be pawed in a sickening fashion by these blood-sucking Nosferatus. Do you want to stand by and do nothing while this happens?! *Nothing* will be sacred. Our overburdened schools - whose (mainly attractive, blonde female) staff do their best at the moment, will be snowed under trying to keep discipline when the spawn of the undead knaw on their classmates faces. And what of the fair, innocent young maidens of the DSS?? What kind of beastly perversions shall these swarms of swarthy, hook-nosed European crypt-haunters visit upon them?? Now, we have nothing against Europe: it keeps us in cheap cigarettes that we can get from day trips to hypermarkets in Calais, and, lets face it, it's better than being next door to Russia. But it still isn't the good ol US of A, so here at the Daily Mail, we say: 'Keep the Undead Away From Britain!'
Mail Poll: Do you want to see workshy, asylum-seeking vampires rampaging in vast hordes throughout Britain?
- No!: call 0898 505050
- No, AND I want an identity card!: call 0898 515151
- Yes: We don't care, read the Guardian instead you tofu-eating, cheese bothering male nurse.
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Europe: 'A Wonderful Opportunity to do Less, Better' Says Jack McConnell
That Scottish Parliament speech:
"Friends; Scots; Parliamentarians; We stand on the threshold of an historic occasion."
"Scotland has always needed dynamic, focused individuals who can do less, but better. And never has the need been greater than now, when people are leaving the country in droves and, quite frankly, we can't work out how. Throw another million pounds on the parliament barbie and wrap it in red tape, Bruce."
"Which brings us to the wonderful opportunities opening up right now in Europe for millions of Scots. Scotland is in great need of creative people who can grow our economy by doing better; indeed, doing better, whilst doing less."
"And less, perhaps: but who could argue, that doing less, whilst sitting on a Cyprus beach, with a margherita in one hand, is not indubitably better?"
"So good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen; but for the good of Scotland, where grannies aren't afraid to walk the streets of their own communities, and children can look me in the face and say 'Uncle Jack? Is it true I'll have to leave for England to get a job, unless I join the Labour party and can wheedle my way into some useless Scottish Parliament committee?', I have a plane to catch in an hour."
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That Hootsmon.com Guide to Those New EU Members
Europe - that wonderland of foreignness where the food is odd, you have to watch out for being taken for a ride, and everyone smells a bit funny. No, not Castlemilk - Europe. We present the Hootsmon.com guide to the ten new Euro-entries:
- Estonia: Estonia refused to turn up for a match to qualify for the 1998 World Cup against Scotland. Instead of being punished for this infraction, Estonia were offered a replay at a neutral venue at which they got a draw, thanks to representations from UEFA's Swedish president, Lennart Johannsen. Coincidentally Scotland's rival in the same qualifying group was Sweden. However, we forgave Estonia and many members of the Tartan Army ended up living there. This might have something to do with Estonia having a reputation for the most beautiful women in Europe. However, on the negative side, their representative in Scotland lives in Paisley. Thus not many Estonians have made the reciprocal journey.
- Lithuania: Lithuania is known for their enthusiastic adherence to Nazism during WWII. They explain this by reminding us that the only people they hated more than the Nazis were the Soviets, whom the Nazis were fighting at the time. This unfortunate history has hopefully ended with their accession into the EU. Let's hope that the worst things get from now on is that the only thing they hate more than the CAP is the ERM.
- Latvia: Nothing of interest has ever happened in Latvia, nor is anything of interest ever scheduled to take place. Which, paradoxically, is utterly fascinating.
- Czech Republic: This is the big one for most Europhiles. Not for the size of its population or GDP or anything boring and irrelevant like that. No; it is the most popular new entry because of its fantastic beer, and for its citizens to vote themselves the most likely in Europe to enjoy a good shag in some crappy survey in the Daily Express or Daily Record. Again, this probably boils down to the beer.
- Slovakia: In the 'Velvet Divorce', Slovakia voted to split from Czechoslovakia to create the Czech Republic and Slovakia. Most people were puzzled and nonplussed at this, except for one type of person - people who kept their old geography books were laughing. Slovakia has a small mountain area called the Tatras which has the same number of fatalities as the Scottish Highlands, but from ten times the number of walkers and climbers. Coincidentally, the old East European car, the Tatra, is responsible for ten times the number of deaths as occur annually in the Scotish Highlands.
- Hungary: Gypsies.
- Malta: In French, Malta is called 'Malt'. Bet you didn't know that. They don't make whisky though. It also has a reputation as a rock aircraft carrier and strategic port, mainly from WWII. In fact, in Britain, most of what people know about Europe comes from WWII stereotypes.
- Cyprus: In approximately 650 BC, Aphrodite came out of the sea onto a Cyprus beach and invented love. Before then, nobody had ever had sex (as opposed to before AD 1963, which Philip Larkin mistakenly believed). Before 650 BC, people procreated in a strange form of ritual similar to the futuristic looking style in 'Barbarella'. So next time you come down with something green in your genitals, blame the Greeks.
- Slovenia: like rural Austria, but cheaper, prettier, less fascists.
- Poland: This is the big one - Poland has nearly as many farmers as the rest of Europe put together. There are two main reasons for this: 1)Poland consists almost entirely of extremely fertile arable farmland 2)There's not much else to do in Poland. The Poles are hoping that, by joining the EU, they will be able to get seriously into debt on useless consumer products and watch hours and hours of mind-numbing, spirit-sapping satellite television owned by the Murdoch brothers, just like the rest of us. Join the European dream!
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