Issue21 08th July 2003
Transmitting Satire From Scotland
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Virtual
Tour of Scotland FirstFoot Jaggy Thistle Wreckered Webrag |
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Exclusive Interview! With Silvio BerlusconiInterviewer: Hello, and welcome to this exclusive interview with Mr Media himself, Italian Prime Minister, new President of the European Union, the one, the only, Siiiiiiiiiilvio Berluscoooooooni!S. Berlusconi: Good afternoon! Might I just ironically joke about how tight-fistedly, sheep-shaggingly Scottish stereotype you look today. Interviewer: Perhaps we could ironically make light of the endemic corruption within the Italian government, exemplified by your ability to pass a Mugabe-ish law granting yourself immunity from prosecution? S. Berlusconi: That's not funny. |
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Hen, You Couldnae Afford a Tan Like This "Jist away fur yer hols is it? lookin like a milk boatle? No wanna get yersel doon Fan o the Tan oan Shettleston Road first? See you wi yer ginger hair, they'll be callin you Swan Vesta doon the beach. Where ya goin? Lemme guess. Somewhere cheap, eh? Magaluf? Ibiza? No like us. Oor John took us tae the Carribean. Aye. Cancun. Classy. Whit? Yer goin tae Jipan fur yer hoaliday?? Whit the FUCK?? Oohh, ah've jist taken a funny turn. Yer brain wired up right? Stoapt takin yer pills hiv ye? Whit ye want tae dae that fur?? Dae ye no want a tan like this? Look at ma airse. No, look. See? Pure tan all over so it is. *That's* whit twa weeks in the Carribean gets ye. You, you'd have tae head fur Fan o the Tan tae even get close - *and* ye'd look like a ginger dipped in oarange juice. Hen, you couldnae afford a tan like this."
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Charles Kennedy's Batman Outfit Leads to Embarrassing Episode at Westminster Fancy Dress Party Charles Kennedy caused himself no mean embarassment, and amusement for all the other guests, when he arrived at Westminster's End of Term Fancy Dress Ball dressed immaculately as Batman - whilst every other guest was dressed sharply in Italian suits, or bomber jackets and Texan cowboy boots. "'Fancy dress - come as a superhero!' said the invite," complained Kenndey to us, blushing by the canapes, "and I took this directive literally, in the spirit of fun I believed that it intended. How was I to know all the other parties' politicians would come dressed as George W Bush or Tony Blair? I know government is full of career sychophants and fawning networkers but really, I must protest."
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"Get Me Sue Yerass QC!" Rants Alastair CrookedmouthAlasdair Campbell, failing to observe rule #1 of spin-doctoring (never become the story), recently threatened to sue the BBC, Hans Blix, the French, the British public, the UK Intelligence Service, Winston Churchill's spinning grave, his maw, his maw's dug, when the BBC had the temerity to suggest what the rest of the world had probably been suspecting all along: he fed parliament dodgy information regarding Iraq's offensive capability, helping precipitate a government vote in favour of invading Iraq. "I swear on Dennis Thatcher's grave that I didn't lie, not that you deserve the truth," he oliated in that arrogant, sinister manner of his in front of a parliamentary committee. "Are you calling my good friend Tony Blair, whom I fed this crock of shit information, a liar? I'm warning you BBC, I'm going to brazen this one out. And if I don't get you, I'll sue the judge who lets you off."Why Alasdair Crookedmouth? Simple. Just look at the Gaelic translation of Campbell, a famous Highland clan name: Cam - bent beul - mouth Spooky, eh? |