Issue15 9th April 2003

Transmitting Satire From Scotland

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Unite World Opinion With UN Resolution 1442!

We have all heard of UN Resolution 1441. But what should the UN's next resolution be? The catchily titled 'UN Resolution 1442'? Well, 1441 is a hard act to follow, so 1442 had better be a cracker. However, before everyone gets all righteous and suggests the UN uses its clout to end bad third world debt or make yet another hopeless gesture towards solving the Israel/Palestine problem, let me suggest one option that everyone can agree on, will be easy to implement, and will be universally popular: the complete obliteration of Boca Raton, Fl.

What? Where?

Recent reports have indicated that 30% of the world's spam email comes from Boca Raton, a sleepy retirement town in retirementsville USA, Florida. Even the police in Boca Raton appear to be retired, as a handful of criminals are responsible for a vast flood of unwanted, poor quality junk mail for mortgages, porn, and septic tanks. How criminals possibly manage to launder their drugs money through sending me advertisements for comically-engorged penises rather than setting up minicab businesses and nightclubs I do not know, but this indeed seems to be the case. And if the police of Florida are unable to catch these criminal masterminds, then I suggest that higher powers than Palm Beach County Constabulary step in to the breach. Specifically: the full consensus of the UN, backed by a unilateral force of US firepower, to wipe Boca Raton off the face of the earth.

Think about it for a minute. Who will mourn the passing of a few Americans? Certainly, Americans themselves might be entitled to feel a little peeved. However, once they realise the immense entertainment value of a high-tech whuppin' of spammer ass, their much-admired natural enthusiasm will rise in a flurry of hollerin' and high-fives, they will grab the shotgun off the wall, and take the first road to Boca Raton themselves, unless of course they actually live there, in which case they will be taking the first train out if they have any sense. Outside the US, UN Resolution 1442 will be an even bigger hit; all the way from high-tech, spam-crippled France, to rocks-and-sticks, detest-the-west Syria. It is a surefire winner: and all that is required is the bombing of one, eensy-weensy little insignificant city of 60,000. So go on Security Council. Restore the standing of the UN in the eyes of the world. Sign that resolution. You know you want to.

NHS First Priority of Chain-smoking, Alcoholic Couch Potatoes

Now there's a surprise! But instead of simply taking the piss out of the state of health of the Great Scottish Electorate, hootsmon.com presents our solution to the problem of overindulgence in unhealthy foods and cigarettes:

Poll Tax ToffeeRothmans Ravenscraig: 'Up in Smoke'

Well, would you purchase these brands??

Talent/Opinion: Scottish Parliament

Why Hellooo...Scottish Parliament. Graveyard of talent. A true assessment? Not neccessarily. There is a body of people with a very high opinion of the abilities and achievements of the douce, upright members of the Scottish Parliament. The names of these people? Why, the MSPs themselves.

"Look at my hair," preened list Paliamentarian Lloyd Quinan, admiring his handsome appearance in the window of a convenient shop. "Aren't I sexy?" he asked rhetorically, in his rich, smug baritone. "Of course, there are many important issues we as MSPs can address, and I'm sure I can fit you in some time. Try begging with a little more conviction though - the lobby groups and press treat us like VIPs, so as a mere member of the public, you are just going to have to try harder."

And Lloyd is not the only parliamentarian to hold delusions of suitability of office. A hypothetical enquiry into national park boundaries brings forth the following response from Parliamentarian Sandra White: "How, I dinnae answer trick questions," she whined. "You're just trying tae trick me intae saying summit stupid. You're an enemy of the people. Ahm a wummin of the people, so ah im. The people need mair nurses and stuff. Fags, remedial education. Daily Record says. Whit wiz the point?"*

Other parliamentarians, however, were as scathing of their peers as these people were confident of their own abilities. "Yes, I will take part in your debate. Who am I debating against? Helen Eadie? Oh, dear," said Margo MacDonald, with a disappointed air. "Could you get her to throw rocks at me as well? At least give her some sporting chance."

*naturally, this is all made up rubbish.

WEBSITES OF THE PARTIES:

Here at Hootsmon Towers (a trailer caravan near Largs), we are avidly following the progress of the Scottish Election. There is nothing to get the juices flowing like election fever, except possibly a war, and we wouldn't know where one of those was going on now, would we? And so we are scanning every media outlet available for information on where we should put that hard-won ballot paper cross. If you watch television, or listen to radio, you might get the impression that MSPs are escapees from the chimps' tea party, as they strive to shout over each other in the necessarily short time allocated. Newspapers allow a little more space for their opinions to be expounded, but if you really want to know what they are all about, the next best thing to getting trapped in a lift with a party leader is to mosey on over to the party website. With this in mind, hootsmon.com presents a quick guide to the websites of our main parties, awarding each site between one and five hoots based on layout, content, and how ugly the people are in the photos:

Labour:
www.scottishlabour.org.uk
Point off for excessive use of ugly photos on front page. We all know Labour wants to appear to be the voice of the people, but come on, you're kidding yourself if you think we want to be associated this lot of hunchbacks. Low-res black & white recommended. Apart from this a solid, worthy effort, dull. A real beauracrats website. Menu item: 'Four years, forty real achievements'. I fell asleep over my mouse by achievement seven.
3 hoots.

SNP:
www.snp.org
Nooo!!! Unresizeable frames!!!! Straight to the bottom of the class. Menu item: 'Thirty days, thirty labour failures' - so Labour wins numerical high-pissing contest. Is John Swinney really the only person in the SNP? Severe lack of Sean Connery photos. Won't work without Macromedia Flash plug-in. Load of pish. Get in touch with me SNP, I know nothing about the internet, yet can still do a better website!
2 hoots.

Lib Dems:
www.scotlibdems.org.uk
Clunky and unfashionable, but in an endearing way, like a hand-knitted Christmas jumper. Nice sitemap but too much content. Why do the Lib Dems have so much more to say than any other party? My head is spinning. Innovative but confusing layout reveals that whoever designed this site obviously has more intelligence than the average electorate, but is unable to connect with them. Impossible to discover how to email Ross Finnie. Probably a good thing.
4 hoots.

SSP:
www.scottishsocialistparty.org
Looks like it was done for a signed photo of Tommy Sheridan. By an amateur, but one that knows what they are doing. Simple, yet functional, says everything you need without a single ounce of fat. Admittedly there's not much to the SSP, making it easier to create a focused website, but that does not detract from the achievement compared to the high-spending competition. The surprise winner.
4+ hoots.

Conservatives:
www.scottishtories.org.uk
News items read in true 'worried of suburbia' Daily Express stylee. Extra point for ludicrous 'Follyrood' mock up photo on front page, instantly negating any serious content contained elsewhere on site. Existence of election manifesto a surprise, as I didn't expect there to be one except for 'abolish Scottish Parliament.' A site of immense character, that character being Victor Meldrew. Down with Whiggery!
4 hoots.

Greens:
www.scottishgreens.org.uk
Wow, I can email an MSP from here! Wonder why none of the other parties have thought of such an obvious and elementary idea! Oh yeah, 'cos they are too busy holding focus committees to bother listening to us plebs - even at election time! You know, I don't know the real reason. I can email George Fucking W Bush, but I can't find an email for Jim Wallace on the Lib Dems website. So, maximum points to the Greens for being the first to do the blindingly obvious, simple and effective, even if, by the time you have read this, they are all at it. However, two points off as extensive use of green background and stylized yellow flower motif could lead to confusion with British Petroleum website.
3 hoots.

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to truth or humour is strictly coincidental. Copyleft 2003 Craig Weldon.