Issue19 9th June 2003

Transmitting Satire From Scotland

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Free Trade - How Global Economics Works

A handy occasional guide for teachers and schools
Farmer A produces food cheaply and wants free trade. Farmer B produces food expensively and doesn't. Farmer A's country agrees to open its markets to Farmer B's country's products, in exchange for the opportunity for Farmer A to export to Farmer B's country. However, Farmer B's country continues to pay Farmer B large subsidies, enabling Farmer B to undercut Farmer A. Farmer A's country has a drought and Farmer A's family dies of starvation. Farmer B goes on a Countryside Alliance march.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how global free trade works.

Next week: How global security works.

US President Visits Egypt

On a recent visit, US President George W Bush met Hosny Mubarak, leader of Egypt. They took a short cruise from Cairo past the pyramids, where Mr Bush leaned too far over a guardrail, overbalanced, and fell in. "George," shouted Mr Mubarak, shocked. "You're in de Nile!"

"No I'm not," said Mr Bush, floundering in the dirty, slow flowing water. "We WILL find those weapons of mass destruction."

Invasion of the Sun Snatchers

The Daily Record's circulation figures are at an historic low. Hurrah! It might be the biggest selling paper in Scotland, but it's shit, a couple of columnists and the excellent Old Firm coverage aside. Let's celebrate! But wait! What is the paper rapidly approaching from the rear? The Sun!! Noooo! If one newspaper could be said to represent the dumbing down of Britain, the intellectual emasculation of hundreds of thousands of working class people, it could be said to be The Sun. Once, people cared about things. Important things. Now, all they care about is soaps and Pop Idol, and why? The Sun. These people are in desperate need of something half decent to read. If you spot someone displaying the following symptoms, thrust a copy of Jimmy Reed's 'Power Without Principles' and today's Herald into their eager hands:
  • A Complete Distrust of Asylum Seekers: Look back on today. Where did you go? What did you do? Meet many asylum seekers? No? Of course not. There's feck all asylum seekers in Scotland. Still, this doesn't stop the Sun from making out like it is THE issue of the day. As far as I can tell, the only problem with letting Afghanis into the country is the remote possibility that some Pashtuns might teach neds how to shoot straight.
  • A hatred of the French: Descartes. Voltaire. Curie. Scum, the lot of them. Why? Because the Sun says so, and if a front page photograph of Winston Churchill in a tin helmet with a cartoon speech bubble slagging off the French doesn't persuade you, then quite frankly, you should be shot for sedition.
  • Ironically, a Love of Shopping in France: This is what I love about the Sun. Front page xenophobia, middle page 'booze cruise' offers to Calais to stock up on cheap cigarettes and liqour. There are special hypermarkets at northern French ferry ports catering specifically for English economic tourists. Not that that has much relevance to readers north of Rugby, with Scottish readers being a minimum of 450 miles away from said ferry ports, but hey! At least the offer is there.
  • Page 3 Ogling: Now, I love pert breasts. This is one of the things I like best about the Sun. No, wait a minute! I thought I was talking about a respectable porn mag, not a newspaper your grandchild can buy in any corner shop!
  • A Desire to Read About Big Brother: Official Big Brother Paper?* Official Comic more like. Sorry, but if you like Big Brother, then I hate you. Yes, you and your grandmother.
So there you have it. The country's media is silently being overrun by these muppets. Be on your guard. Perhaps it is too late but people; laugh at them at every opportunity.

*PS: For the information of our international readers, The Sun isn't the cruddiest paper you can buy - it shits diamonds compared to the Real Official Big Brother Paper The Star (It's a Right Rivetin' Ogle) and The Sport (words fail me... imagine headlines like Hitler Football Casuals on Sex-Boat Orgy Rampage interleaved with photographs of models in topless Aston Villa kit and you might just possibly catch how deliberately awful yet funny this paper is).

Tight Friends? Try These Handy Tips

We all know people who refuse to put their hands in their pockets for rounds of drinks in pubs, yet are quite happy to accept drinks all night. These short-armed people usually have plenty money, but just can't quite reach their pockets, the poor lambs. Perhaps, just perhaps they might stand their long suffering friends a round if you can trick them into offering to buy. How? Simply slip the following questions into you general conversation:
  • What's that colour, it's like purple but it's not purple, no, not mauve, it's what Hearts play in?
  • I'm thinking of renting out my spare room. But shit, I can't remember what you call people who pay to live on your property?
  • When a gun goes off and you hear the sound, what do you say you have heard?
  • Tennis. What do you call it when four people play a tennis match together?
  • See those shores?
  • I was doing a crossword the other day, and there was one I couldn't get. 'Shipwrecked' was the clue, eight letters, first letter 'm', last letter 'd'....
  • What's the Imperial equivalent of 0.454kg? What's the Imperial equivalent of 1609m? What's the Imperial equivalent of 568ml?
  • Remember that store chain that was started by the Weisfelds, wonder what happened to it? You know the name, no, not What Every Woman Wants, but close?
And if things are getting really desperate:
  • Arrrghh, it's the end of the world! No, not apocalypse, .....
  • Male sheep. What do you call male sheep?
  • That Vengaboys song, not Boom Boom Boom, the other one...

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to truth or humour is strictly coincidental. Copyleft 2003 Craig Weldon.