Issue13 10th March 2003

Transmitting Satire From Scotland

Home Page
Go Home
Past Issues
Past Issues
Letters
Your Letters Mail letters@hootsmon.com.
Links
Virtual Tour of Scotland
FirstFoot
Jaggy Thistle
Wreckered Webrag

Peace Marchers in Single-Issue Confusion

Historic. Unprecedented. Biggest Ever. Just some of the words used to describe last month's massive peace and anti-war marches all over the world - marches which Scotland took a proud part in, with around 50,000 people - many of whom who had never been on a protest before - converging on the SECC in Glasgow, where Tony Blair was due to address a Labour conference. Most of these marchers had a passionate message for the government. "It's a bit of fun, isn't it," said Sheamus Shennaughsey, with girlfriend, flask of tea, camera and sandwiches in tow. "It's a beautiful day, and, well, we all like to feel like we are taking part in something historic. It's something I'll be able to tell the grandkids." Other marchers had similar single-issue messages for the government. The Rev Al Green, of the CND, wanted the world to know: "I am a member of the CND, and am thus entirely against any war. Iraq is no threat to us. Let Saddam Hussein gain his nuclear weapons, then call me back." And people from the volatile Middle East backed up this powerful claim. Musharaff Shareem, an exile from Nabrus, succinctly put forward the feeling of many of the crowd. "Don't bomb Iraqi children," he pleaded passionately. "Bomb Israel instead." Meanwhile, the editor of a so-called satire site revealed his childish emotional immaturity, and inability to connect with the deep, serious issues involved, by cracking tasteless observational jokes. "Ah well," he said, "all Saddam has to do is shave off his moustache, and noone will be able to find him."

No to War! Until the Opinion Polls Change

A sense of anticipation was in the air last week at Balloch, scene of the SNP's last conference before the forthcoming Scottish election on May 1st. A sense that, just maybe, a hardly-hoped for sea-change in favour of the SNP is imminent. With the electorate finally realising that their arguments over the Scottish economy are superior to the government's, John Swinney cemented the SNP's position by firmly coming out against the unpopular imminent war in Iraq - at least until the opinion polls change. "As a party of opposition, rather than government, and one with no influence on UK foreign policy anyway, we in the SNP are able to follow our consciences rather than the harsh realities of being in power - and are thus able to come down, firmly and without reservation, on the side most popular with the Scottish electorate," announced an emotional John Swinney to cheers. "Return to your constituencies and prepare for opportunism."

Thankyouverymuchladiesandgentlemen

There are certain phrases - we like to call them ayethenkyewverymuchladiesandgentlemen phrases - that members of political parties can rely upon to cause spontaneous, unthinking applause amongst their rank and file faithful. Such is the sad soundbite nature of politics today - rare today are the likes of a Roy Jenkins-type figure comparing the present regime unfavourably to fifth generation French republicanism - that we only have to hear these key phrases for them to trigger some primeaval Pavlovian reaction in our breasts. And so, ladies and gentlemen, I give you ayethenkyewverymuchladiesandgentlemen:

Labour Party:
When the Nationalists voted with the Tories.. ayethenkyewverymuchladiesandgentlemen.

SNP:
Please welcome... Sir Sean Connery!.. ayethenkyewverymuchladiesandgentlemen.

Conservative and Unionist:
It's just a Tartan Tax.. ayethenkyewverymuchladiesandgentlemen.

SSP:
Thanks to this government's continuance of Thatcherite policy..
ayethenkyewverymuchladiesandgentlemen.

Liberal Democrats:
Proportional Rep.. ayethenkyewverymuchladiesandgentlemen.

Local Braveheart Demonstrates Intellectual and Cultural Superiority

"Fuckin Yanks," opined Davey Smith, wiping spittle from his chin in Stirling's Argyll Arms bar last week. "I mean, look at them. Look at the idiot they voted for president. If that's the kind of man you want running your country, you must be a fucking idiot yourself." Barely warmed up, fixing your editor with the overbright, aggressive stare of the complete arsehole, Davey continued his rant. "McDonalds, obesity, lawyers. What else has America ever given the world? Not like us. Elastic waist jeans. At least Europe's got culture. What's the easiest subject in the world? Hmm? American history, ha ha ha. Your not a fucking historian are you? I'm always falling out with historians. If we ever had a war with the yanks, we'd beat them for sure. What do you mean, eh? Think I'm no hard? I was in the fuckin army. The yanks've never been in a proper fight. Aye. British army. Best fighting force in the world. We could have anyone. Fucking English. If we Scots had a war with England, we could beat them easy. Want another pint?"

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to truth or humour is strictly coincidental. Copyleft 2003 Craig Weldon.