Issue17 10th May 2003

Transmitting Satire From Scotland

Home Page
Go Home
Past Issues
Past Issues
Letters
Your Letters Mail letters@hootsmon.com.
Links
Virtual Tour of Scotland
FirstFoot
Jaggy Thistle
Wreckered Webrag

Nae Singing in the Scottish Parliament...

Just Sit There and Talk Shite Like The Rest o' Us!

"Is there for honest poverty, that hings his heid, and a' that,
The coward slave, we pass him by, wha dares be puir, and a..."

"No singing in the Scottish Parliament! Bang bang gavel! Back of the line Fox!" says a strict and angry Mr Presiding Officer. "And that goes for anyone else planning to bring a little light entertainment to proceedings! This is a solemn occasion you know!"

Huhnm, sags a petulant and dispirited Jack McConnell, next in line and resplendent in rhinestone-encrusted Elvis jumpsuit that his mum specially knitted for his swearing in ceremony...

"Well its-a one for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready now go cat go but do...."

Bang! Bang! BANG!!

Galloway Goes Gaga

George Galloway. The cuddly, furry faced firebrand has got himself into a bit of trouble recently. First of all, there were his principled (read:bawheided) assertions that the Brits and Yanks would wither and die at the gates of Baghdad (do modern cities have gates?), and his reasonable, if on a strictly technical point treasonous, exhortations for Arabs to rise up against their invaders. However, this is no more than we have come to expect and love from Gorgeous George, the leadership-taunting, dictator-dialoguing impressario. More serious are the allegations that he has creamed off money from the UN oil-for-food program for his own use. Far be it for us to suggest that such an approach is unethical - how could it be when Dick Cheney and his pals are planning to profit from oil and regeneration programs? - but this does leave George with a distinct credibility gap. Now, Mr Galloway asserts the incriminating documents are part of a cack-handed government/press/intelligence service plot to discredit him; and given current opinion on the government's integrity over security and intelligence issues (remember the 'damning evidence' cribbed from a years-old student essay? What do we pay MI6 for?), that argument may well win the day. However this, we fear, is one misadventure too far for the splenetic Galloway. Leave the Labour Party and stand as an independent, George: your colleagues in Glasgow are enviously looking to topple you and reduce the odds from 10 to 9 in the 7 new redrawn Glasgow Labour shoe-in seats. If it turns out that someone somewhere has put someone else up to (badly) faking incriminating documents, it is the least you can do.

PS: George Galloway's new tribute site can be seen at www.welovethememberforglasgowkelvin.com

SSP - The New Monster Raving Loonies?

It has been brought to the attention of your editor that the SSP's policies bear a remarkable similarity to those of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party, once lead by Screaming Lord Sutch. Like the Loonies, the SSP have a range of radical, but entirely sensible policies. And like the Loonies, they have some that are totally hatstand. Not convinced? Consider the following table:

Policy rating OMRLP SSP
Sensible All fast food burger outlets will be banned under the trading standards act. Its not beef in those burgers, it's cardboard. Provide heroin free on prescription to all registered addicts via the NHS as part of an integrated drug strategy.
Sensible Under 21 drivers will be restricted to Reliant Robins & 2CVs in a bid to reduce accidents involving 'boy racers'. Establish a rail link between Newtonmore and Roybridge to join together the East and West coast Highland lines.
Sensible Any MP whose constituency sells off a school playing field to developers will be required to relinquish his/her own back garden as a replacement sports facility for the school. Convene a conference of artists to launch a national project aiming to transform the drab appearance of our towns and housing schemes through murals, ornamental gardens, sculpture, fountains, monuments, mazes, performance areas and architectural restoration. Such a project would provide paid employment for hundreds of creative artists.
Sensible All third world debt will be cancelled. They're not going to pay anyway. You know that. I know that. Don't deny it. Provide nutritious, free school meals for every state school pupil in Scotland.
Sensible All dogs will be fitted with nappies to stop them pooing all over parks etc. Replace the Council Tax by a new income-based Scottish Service Tax which would shift the burden of local taxation onto the highest paid quarter of the population.
LOONY TUNES!! In keeping with the European position on everyone carrying Identity cards, it's proposed that a law be introduced compelling everyone to carry very small mirrors so that when asked they can look in the mirror and identify themselves. Take over the assets, including factories, offices and equipment - without compensation - of multinational companies which pull out of Scotland in search of cheaper labour elsewhere; and impose heavy financial penalties on those companies.

Hmmm? Eh? Whaddya think? Screaming Lord Sheridan, we salute you!

Apathy Party Gains non-Votes

In Scotland's recent parliamentary election, the greatest result was the fact that so few people cared about the result. Just over 50% of the eligible population managed to get off their arses and head down the local primary school/church/pub to cast their vote. Many commentators wrung their hands and postulated possible reasons for the low turnout (bearing in mind that only 30% of Americans can be bothered to vote for the President of the United States of America). But one group of people were ecstatic about the result: the Apathy Party.

"This is the greatest possible result for us," said Dominic Mohan, entertainments editor for a large tabloid and unwitting chief publicist for the Apathy Party. "With our high salt, low fibre diet of celebrity trivia, lurid celebrity relationships, and bitching over telephoto pictures proving celebrity weight gain/orange tan loss, we have effectively managed to completely disenfranchise large swathes of the electorate from any real issues," he said proudly. "Oh look, hasn't Patsy Kensit put on weight." And Mr Mohan fires a shot across the bows of Labour, Lib Dems, and indeed anyone who seeks to run the country. "We in the Apathy Party could be running Scotland now. If we could be bothered. Think of us as the China of Scottish politics, sitting here, bristling with potential, but letting someone else rule the place. For now."

The fact is okes, if you couldn't be bothered to vote, what makes you think MSPs should care about you? It works both ways people. But it's not too late to make it up. There must be some issue you care about. Well stop moaning about it, and start lobbying your MSP. That's what they are there for. Not getting paid enough? Well, what are you waiting for? Get on the phone to your MSP. I bet you get paid less than they do. For me, the big issue is dance. I want to see my MSP dance. Dance for me, monkey boy, dance.

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to truth or humour is strictly coincidental. Copyleft 2003 Craig Weldon.