Issue37 11th Jun 2004

Transmitting Satire From Scotland

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Wanted: Advisor to First Minister

That Scottish Executive application form:

Page 1: Scenarios

We present below a number of possible scenarios an advisor to the First Minister may be required to deal with. Your answers to these hypothetical scenarios will be factored along with the rest of the form as a part of the overall selection process.
What Should the First Minister Wear at Tartan Day?
    A: pinstripes     B: plaid
 
Which Musician Should the First Minister Pose With?
    A: Michelle McManus from Pop Idol  B: BBC Young Musician of the Year Nichola Benedetti
 
What Event Should the First Minister Attend?
    A: R&A Golf Dinner     B: D-Day 60th Commemoration
 
Notes for completing this page.
If you answered mostly B, don't go any further. We'd love to hear from you, right now.

++Colonel Bin Laden to Open New Global Branches++

You know, down home, there's noone who fries infidels like the good ol' Colonel. Many's the time the boys will return from a hard day's cave hiding, eager to throw a few more infidels on the fire. But why should such a great recipe for Jihadi Fried Infidel be enjoyed only by the homeboys? Well, good news! Now, the Colonel plans to fix it for people everywhere in the world to taste his special brand of JFI, baked to his own secret recipe - a generous helping of religious extremism, lashings of poverty and oppression, and a dash of US imperialism. Opening a franchise near you, very soon.

JFI - it's finger-chopping good!

On-Time Train Throws Passenger Plans Into Disarray

A trainload of passengers on the 11:30 from Glasgow Central to London Euston had their plans thrown in disarray yetserday, when the Virgin operated train arrived at London within 30 seconds of the advertised arrival time of 18:00. "This is shocking," said passenger Donna McLaurin. "I'm being picked up by friends. I told them not to bother coming until eight o'clock. Now what am I going to do with those two hours?" Robert Clark, 32, was another annoyed passenger. "I'm down for a job interview tomorrow afternoon. If I knew Virgin were going to be running their trains on time, I could have gotten one tomorrow and saved myself the expense of an hotel in London." Urfan Siddiqi, 25, was similarly inconvenienced. "I was planning to have finished this book by the time I arrived in London. That would have taken me another three hours - about the time of my average wait on a long distance journey. What are Virgin playing at by arriving on time?" Other passengers expressed their surprised at being able to purchase food from the buffet car, or flush the toilets. "It has been nearly five years since I've had a train journey without hearing the famous 'we apologise for any inconvenience caused by the delay'," said John Spratt, eyes misting over with nostalgia. "We used to take the piss out of British Rail then, but them were the days."

Come on Ye Inger-land!

It's Euro 2004, the third largest sporting spectacle in the world, and Scotland aren't in it. But as a nation of football obsessives, Scots will be glued to their screens just as much as anyone else in Europe this month. So what could be more natural than supporting our friends and close neighbour, England? England: mother of parliaments, warm beer, old maids cycling to church, cricket on the village green, morris dancing.

Which is why here at Hootsmon.com we say:

Come on ye Latvia! Lat-via! Lat-via!

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to truth or humour is strictly coincidental. Copyleft 2004 Craig Weldon.