Issue33 12th Feb 2004

Transmitting Satire From Scotland

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Queen: "Holyrood Be Um Ugly Heap"

Strictly unofficially, off the record, and in no way endorsed by any actual comment from the royal household, but it seems the Queen isn't too happy about having the Scottish Parliament as a neighbour to her official Scottish residence at the bottom of Edinburgh's three central hills. It is not the fact that she is worried she might be able to smell the socialists and nationalists from such a close distance; it is not the stultifying thought of Jack McConnell popping round for a cup of tea every afternoon when one is in official attendance at Holyrood Palace. What could it be then? It seems that the Queen takes exception to the extreme ugliness of the new building im bau. Given that her main residence in London is so ostentatiously over-the-top it makes Liberace's mansion look like a Romanian council flat, and that her holiday home at Balmoral, like the Scottish Parliament building, is also built from grey, solid granite, we can only assume that there has been a mix-up somewhere along the line.

We have a message for Her Maj: don't worry ma'am; yes, it was supposed to be opened a year and a half ago, but it isn't actually finished yet. You can breathe a sigh of relief; it's supposed to look like a building site, and will be lovely when completed.

We hope.

Speak Like An Edinburgher

Picking up an Edinburgh accent is not as easy as picking up a Glasgow one. Although Glasweigan sounds more like Martian than English on first listen, the linguistic tourist will soon find phrases and verbal mannerisms so unique that they simply couldn't be mistaken for any other dialect. However, like girls employing psychological bullying in the playground, the Edinburgh accent is much more subtle. Indeed, this lack of a verbal handle is the main difficulty for the aspiring Alasdair Darling or JK Rowling impersonator. The key to the Edinburgh accent is to realise that it is more a state of mind than an actual dialect with its own vocabulary and grammar. Master this, and you are well on your way to a respectable flat in Morningside:

In the supermarket: "What do you mean, there's not enough money in the till for my cashback? This is the second time this has happened in a week! Where's the manager?"

In the pub: "Pint of Winter Lightning please." Waits till poured. "Excuse me. I've changed my mind."

In the boutique: "I like it. Do you have it in grey?"

At church: "You'll have had your collaection?"

On the bus: ""

During the Edinburgh Festival: <sample invalid: no actual Edinburgh accents detected>

In the DSS queue: "Ach ye radge midden ye cunt, ken."

On The Dole: Bad Occupations

Worried about job security? Think you might be for the chop? Not a clue what you'll do? Well, pity these poor souls when they go down the job centre and are asked to fill out their Usual Occupation on the Jobseekers Allowance form:
  • Armourer & Swordmaker
  • Coalminer
  • Financial Services Call Centre Operative (impenetrable Mumbai accent)
  • Gary Glitter Impersonator
  • Scottish Fisherman
Are you a Gary Glitter impersonator? Fallen on hard times? Write to wannabeinmygang@hootsmon.com and we'll call you right back. £ shiny 1 for the best tale of woe. (Offer excludes Paul Gadd.)

Flower of Scotland Ditched for Random Anthem

The Scottish Rugby Union have a past history for introducing new national anthems to the Scottish psyche. In 1990 for example, before the Grand Slam decider between England and Scotland, they played Flower of Scotland (a song that obliquely celebrates the defeat of the English at Bannockburn in 1314) in place of previous anthem Scotland the Brave (a jaunty yet unsatisfying tune written by an Englishman). Scotland went on to win that match and earned Dougie Donnelly a place in TV presenting history when his entire after-match show consisted of the immortal phrase: "And let's watch that winning try again!"

So with such a precedent, who can begrudge the SRU from changing the anthem again? Scottish rugby fans, it appears, have become restless with the anti-English sentiment detectable in the lyrics for Flower of Scotland and want a change. In steps the SRU with a suggestion for lyrics to popular yet banal tune, Highland Cathedral, to be played for the first time at the Scotland v France Six Nations match:

Land of the mountain, islands and the sea,
Highland and Lowland, that gives life to me,
Mother of justice and humanity,
Be our last refuge, stronghold of the free.

Not to be one to piss on the SRU's chips, but surely these twee lyrics are a backwards step to Scotland the Brave territory? What we need is a good anthem than will really get it right up the French, just like Flower of Scotland did to the English in 1990. For this I can think of no better anthem for Scotland than 'A Frenchman Went to the Lavatoire', sung, as a bonus and in recognition of la vie alliance, to the tune of La Marseillaise:

A Frenchman went to the lavatoire
For to have a, mighty shit.
He took his jacket and braces off,
all the more to, revel in it.
But when he got to the lavatoire
There was no paper, in it!

Ou est le papier? ou est le papier?
Monsieur, monsieur, J'ai fait manure.
Ou et le papier?

Of course, Flower of Scotland will be kept for the England game. If only someone could write new words to the Star Spangled Banner...

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to truth or humour is strictly coincidental. Copyleft 2004 Craig Weldon.