Issue10 13th January 2003
Transmitting Satire From Scotland
| Home Page |
| Go Home |
| Past Issues |
| Past Issues |
| Letters |
| Your Letters Mail letters@hootsmon.com. |
| Links |
|
Virtual
Tour of Scotland FirstFoot Jaggy Thistle Wreckered Webrag |
|
Abrakebabra Rebranded Anontimo in Global Takeover BidAs popular Irish fast food kebab chain Abrakebabra announced plans to purchase global conglomeration Halliburton, they also revealed thoughts on the correct name for the new giant company. "We feel that Halikebabra or Abrakeburton would simply be too catchy a name for a giant, faceless global conglomerate," revealed Abrekebabra spokesman Ken Fitilike. "And so, after much expensive consultation, our advisors have come up with a name suitably faceless and impersonal as to leave no clue as to what we are actually all about. Anontimo PLC. What's that? You've forgotten the name already? Exactly...." |
|
World Dictator ShortageThe price of dictators worldwide has risen in the last quarter, reports from the world of international politics suggest. Respected researchers from St Andrews University have shown that, contrary to popular expectation, the effects upon the world of power-crazed dictators is as low as it has been for the last ten years. This, however, has pushed up the price of dictators, making them seem more valuable than they actually are. "We live in a world where even most Marxists realise that dictators are not the answer," revealed Margaret Cromwell, Emeritus Professor of Dictatorship at St Andrews University, "and so this makes the dictators we do have seem all the more dangerous. For example; which dictators, after all, could genuinely be said to represent a threat to their own and other people? Mugabe, Hussein, Il Kim? After that, who else? Remember that recently, we have seen the back of the Taliban and Milosovich. And rather a Singaporean style dictator in Liberia and Cote d'Ivorie, than all out anarchy as is the case at present." Fingering an iron helmet, Cromwell repeated softly, "All they need is a little discipline. Oh ya." |
|
Ross Finnie, Pygmy For the Scottish Environment, and Elliot Morley, UK Junior Minister for Not Giving a Fuck, Reveal Their Advice on What We Should Do After Their Comprehensive Outmanoevering at Recent EU Fishing Crisis Talks. Here is That Advice in Full:Cod Crisis: Eat Beef. |
|
Moneylenders in the TempleThere were moneylenders in the templeWhen Jesus came, when Jesus came There were moneylenders in the temple When Jesus came, when Jesus came There were moneymen in the NHS The had fancy cars and a nice address And they made their money from your distress. They couldn't read and they couldn't write When John Knox came, when John Knox came They couldn't read and they couldn't write When John Knox came, when John Knox came They hardly read and they never write But that's okay cos the telly's alright And they work in sweatshops for buttons all night. They were marching in the street to gain the vote When Pakhurst came, when Pankhurst came They were marching in the street to gain the vote When Pankhurst came, when Pankhurst came They were sleeping in the street but this you'll note Is the price to be paid to keep the country afloat Of course it musn't hurt those who steer the boat. They'll be burning in the streets of the USA When Islam comes, when Islam comes They'll be burning in the streets of the USA When Islam comes, when Islam comes They're burning in the streets of your town today! Cos drugs & violence have had their day We want respect not fear cos we're here to stay And ain't going away! |