Issue #6 13th June 2002

Transmitting Satire From Scotland

Home Page
Go Home
Past Issues
Past Issues
Letters
Your Letters Mail letters@hootsmon.com.
Links
Virtual Tour of Scotland
FirstFoot
Jaggy Thistle
Wreckered Webrag

Paisley Birth Deformities Down - Dirty Bomb Suspected

Al-Queda operatives sucessfully exploded a so called radioactive 'dirty bomb' in Paisley two years ago, according to the findings of a group of top scientists published today. This extraordinary claim has been raised due to the puzzling drop in the number of birth deformities amongst newborn Paisleyites, according to a crack interdisciplinary team headed by Glasgow medical professor Heinz Hoppelman. The professor was so puzzled by the number of non-ugly babies being born in Paisley in the last year and a half, that he enlisted the help of leading genetics experts to investigate the unprecedented phenomena. "It was my initial belief that possibly aliens had landed, like in the film 'Children of the Dammned'" he explained. "The number of babies being born with chins, seperated eyebrows, and alert, lively eyes suggested something of this nature may have happened. But it soon became clear that there was no evidence of alien activity, or unexplained lapses of time that could not be easily put down to substance abuse. However, physicists at Paisley Observatory noticed a higher than normal background radiation in the area, which leads to our theory." "It is not as far fetched as it sounds," said Dr John Foster, the physicist who came up with the breakthrough observation. "A bomb could easily have gone off on a Friday night, and who would have noticed?"

Edinburgh Introduces Entry Fee

Edinburgh's increasing congestion, caused by building a parliament in a city that was already suffering from chronic transport problems, unlike Glasgow, Stirling, or Perth, has led to the city fathers to introduce entry charges for the first time. Under the new plan, it will cost motorists £2 to enter Edinburgh - although, in the fear that some Aberdonians might never leave, it will be free to get back out. Edinburgh provost Eric Milligan explained the new plan. "We've got the parliament, you don't. And now we're going to lock ourselves away and charge you to get in. Ner ner ner ner ner," he said. Reaction from the rest of Scotland was mixed. Glasweigans were said to be delighted at having one less reason to go to Edinburgh. Dundonians shrugged their shoulders, having had to follow a similar plan to reach Edinburgh for years, what with the Forth & Tay Bridges. And as for the Fifers, having the Dundonians pay for this suits them fine.

Brian Burnett Britain's Sexiest Man, say over 65s

Watch out at the tea dances and post office queues Brian Burnett – you might just get more than you bargained for! That is the message coming loud and clear from Scotland's naughty pensioners, an exclusive hootsmon.com survey discovered last week. For Brian, 32, is the man most in demand for sharing a nice cup of tea with, knocking previous stalwart Daniel O'Donnell off the top spot for the first time in 12 years. Brian, happily married for several years, was thrilled with the news. "With my down-home, couthy-Sunday-Post style, I always knew that I appealed to a certain segment of society," said Brian, his trademark cheeky grin and unthreatening spectacles lighting up a face that that any woman would be delighted to see her granddaughter bring home. "But I never expected to beat Daniel – I don't think anyone would." The fading popularity of Daniel's smooth, Irish charm, however, remains a source of concern. Rumours of drunken parties where loud music was played after 10pm have not helped the reputation of a man who is becoming more and more reclusive. However, Daniel fans have nothing to fear, his press agent says. "Daniel is spending more time with his family," said our source, "but he still cares for his fans, and will be back nicer than ever when he is ready. But please, in the meantime, don't send him any more hand knitted jumpers."

Here is the list in full:
  • Brian Burnett
  • Daniel O'Donnell
  • Sean Connery
  • Richard Madeley
  • Bob Monkhouse
  • That Nice Mr Blair
  • Some bloke from Coronation Street
  • Is Val Doonican still alive?

Braveheart is Touchstone of My Scottish Identity

Ardent Scottish Nationalist Jim McTavish revealed to friends in a pub that his favourite movie of all time, Braveheart, was the inspirational engine room behind his hatred of all things English. "It's the history they didnae want us to see," said the deluded McTavish, who doesn't read many books, but spouts a lot of shite in pubs. "I never really liked the English before seeing this movie, nothing concrete ken, but Braveheart really opened my eyes to the true facts of the situation. You've seen it, of course?" he enquired, knowing that all true Scots have of course watched the movie and know what he was on about. "The English invaded Scotland for hundreds of years before we finally beat them at Bannockburn. And then we go and throw it all away when they beat us at Culloden. They then know they can run us down in the 1980s, and we just take it, because of the weasels in the Scottish Office. Well," added McTavish, "we want our freedom! And is has to be now, or we're fucked!"

McTavish's friend, whom he looks up to as someone who has read all Nigel Tranter's novels, secretly wishes Jim would give it a rest now and then. "Jim loves Scotland, but he does go on about it a bit too much. Mention the 'Scotland's shite' scene from Trainspotting, and he practically foams at the mouth. I wish he could just calm down and be into women, football, and having a laugh like everyone else."

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to truth or humour is strictly coincidental. Copyleft 2002 Craig Weldon.