Issue12 14th February 2003

Transmitting Satire From Scotland

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Hootsmon.com Headlines

A roundup of the news headlines shaping our world this week.
  • Space Shuttle Crash: CIA Investigates Baghdad Link.
  • Phil Spector Murder: Interrogation Reveals Iraqi Sleeper.
  • Snow Falls in London: It's That Saddam Again, Isn't It?
  • Get A Life Latest: Michael Jackson is Strange.

Save Our Sectarians

For years, Glasgow has basked proudly in its status as mainland Britain's most sectarian city. But now that status is under threat, as a shock new survey reveals that homophobes and racists outnumber sectarian bigots three-to-one. For increasing numbers of Weegies, benefit claimants with kaftans are viewed with more suspicion than benefit claimants with King Billy tattoos. More and more often, we find that the contents of their neighbours record collection (Oasis or Barbara Streisland?) matter more than the school they went to. And this trend disturbs people like famous lawyer, Sue Yerass QC. "Whilst I am as intolerant of asylum seekers and gays as anyone else," Ms Yerass opined, "here in Glasgow we have our very own special brand of hatred, which should be nutured and celebrated. Noone outside Northern Ireland may be able to understand it, but that is why it is so unique and cherishable. We shouldn't let common-or-garden bigotry based on people's sexual orientation or skin colour gain precedance in this wonderful city of ours." However, a thin ray of hope for sectarians remains. The migration last week of a number of Belfast gangsters to Scotland may go some way, it might be hoped, to redressing the balance in their favour. You a Protestant gay asylum seeker or a Catholic gay asylum seeker?

Save Me From Michael Fucking Jackson Documentaries

Jackson: Not Michael Jackson. Michael Bloody Jackson. Hands up anyone who gives a toss? (Everyone with their hands up: it's people like you that make this country the shitehole it is). And yet the media, for several days last week, was full of the man. Now in my sad world, Michael Jackson occupies a place somewhere between Queen-of-Who-Gives-a-Shit Diana, and that new star that astronomers have discovered, you know, KG568. The gas giant everyone is surely talking about? No? You mean you are more interested in the life and times of Prince Strangeness himself? Shame on you, you Lord of the Flies 'Stone the Weirdo' Pervert. I bet you set fire to paediatricians houses. Thanks to a recent documentary, we have all seen that Michael Jackson is strange. Well I bet you didn't know that before. And thanks to the saturated media coverage that followed this documentary, the talentless and irrelevant Jackson (whose best song was 'Blame it on the Boogie' - in the 19-fuckin-70s!) will probably boost his back catalogue income, enabling him to build an extra extension to kiddie-traumatising facility Neverland, and we will get more documentaries and knee-jerk aftermath media coverage of the whole sorry event. Riddoch: HotIt is not like I have been going out of my way to read about Michael Smell Yer Maw Jackson. In fact, it is for sorry media circus reasons like this that I don't even have a television. The worst thing is that fifteen million (that is *one quarter* of the population of the entire country!) has so little to do with their lives that they ended up watching this car crash of a documentary. If I can make an appeal to these people: Sell Your Televisions, Real Life is Great. If I paid a BBC license fee, I'd be CHEWING CARPETS that it was being spent on two should-know-better journalists discussing Michael What's New Jackson in place of the normally excellent Lesley Riddoch discussing Falkirk FC or Land Reform or SOMETHING INTERESTING AND ALSO SCOTTISH on Radio Scotland. The Lesley Riddoch Show is great. Welcome back Lesley, all is forgiven; take your holidays in Great Western Road, you know it makes sense. Just; no more Michael Jackson. And while you are there, please; let's never hear of, read about, or smell Tracey Shaw, Darren Day, the entire cast of any fucking soap, royal family hangers on, Australian entertainers, boy bands, Lord Derry of Irvine, Hitler documentaries, Billy Sloan meets U2, cancer of the prolapse, Lloyd Quinan again either.

Next Week: The Leader Interviews

Hootsmon.com exclusive! Finally, we have completed our imaginary interviews of the leaders of all the major political parties vying for your votes at the forthcoming Scottish election. So for the first time, next week, all in one place, we will present the transcripts of those interviews in full. Watch this space! As a taster, here are the interviews summarised into today's fashionable 'soundbite' style:

Ducking & Diving, Ducking & Diving, Little Bit of This, Little Bit of That, Know What I Mean?
The Jim Wallace Interview.

Everything Every MSP Tries to Acheive is a Waste of Time Because I Want Them Abolished.
The David McLetchie Interview.

Less, Better. One Out of Two Ain't Bad.
The Jack McConnell Interview.

Independence? Nope, Never Heard of It Mate, You Want the Greens.
The John Swinney Interview.

Auto-Dictdatic Neo-Colonial Crypto-Fascist Warmongering Butchers - And That's Just the NHS.
The Tommy Sheridan Interview.

Er, Fishing.
The Fishing Party Interview.

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to truth or humour is strictly coincidental. Copyleft 2003 Craig Weldon.