Issue #0 14th March 2002

Transmitting Satire From Scotland

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Train Driver's Junk Mail a Lot More Upmarket These Days

Advertisements for holidays in Spain. Cheap booze vouchers from cross-Channel ferry companies. Money off subscriptions to ‘OK’ magazine. Offers of loans, using images of new TVs and kitchens. This was the sort of junk mail Bob Scratchitt, train driver, used to get. But not now. "It was only when I was sitting at breakfast the other day that it hit me," said Bob, 35, "but all the advertisements for loans had pictures of Mercedes Benz cars in them. And I was getting offers to join wine clubs, and banks were sending me very friendly letters with pictures of couples in slacks and jerseys tied round their necks, with a big, silky haired dog." Bob is not sure just why his junk mail has changed to become a little more upmarket these days. "I am not earning any more these days, so goodness knows why things have changed," he said, mystified. "Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that my wife has just got a job away from shop floor to store management. Yes, that must have something to do with it." When asked if he had to rush out to get to work, Bob indicated in the negative. "We’re striking this afternoon. Hadn’t you heard? You came out here by train? I’d drive you back, but the missus has the car. Oh pal, you’re fucked!"

Unlikely Consortium of Animals Blamed for Drinking Session Aftermath

Paisley student Neil Groat blamed an unlikely consortium of animals for his various post-drinking ailments yesterday. “Oooh” he said, speaking through a rasping cough, “the Beer Monkey got me again. He must have waylaid me some time last night, when I was heading home on my Beer Scooter,” Groat, 20, explained. “I can’t think of any other explanation – it was definitely the Monkey who ruffled my hair, pissed alcohol down my neck, and filled my pockets full of shrapnel.” When asked about his rasping cough, Groat was in no doubt over who was to blame. “The Cigarette Ferret – pesky creature. It couldn’t have been anyone else who blew ash down my throat, and stole all my tenners.” The attack from these furry denizens of the alcoworld can be traced back to Groat’s second pint of the night, when he put on his Beer Goggles. “It was only meant to be a couple of quiet pints,” explained Groat, “but the fanny in the pub was superb, and we didn’t want to leave until closing time.” Groat then made his way towards the toilet, and was heard to curse midway along the hall. “Aw shite. Fucking Chunder Beetles.”

Gumshoes & Stalkers Agree - Start Your Search at Friendsreunited.com

Those in the know vote friendsreunited.com the best site around for gaining background information on unsuspecting victims. "The internet is a great place," said retired detective cum private eye Philip Bain, "people leave information all over the place that comes in useful in an investigation. Contact details, employment, details of old flames – and the best place to start to find all that information is friendsreunited.com." And stalkers and obsessives agree. "Friendsreunited.com is a treasure trove of personal detail," said convicted pest Ron Strange, "and you can even pick a fresh person to harass based on just how emotionally open and easy they appear from their profiles. Hats off to friendsreunited.com – it takes a lot of the footwork out of our twisted lives!" We talked to the organisers of friendsreunited.com for their reaction. "Friendsreunited.com is intened as a meeting place for old schoolmates, to meet up and reminisce about their schooldays, no matter where they have ended up around the world, through the miracle of the internet," they explained. "It is not the first good idea to be hijacked by something completely unexpected – television, for example, was intended to be an educational medium – but we do wish the gumshoes and stalkers would leave people alone to their memories."

Overworked and Undermotivated Man Spends More and More Time on News Sites, Messageboards

A typical working day in the life of Jim Barnes, 23, involves arriving at work, switching on his computer, making a cup of coffee as it boots up, opening Outlook Express to see what new problems have arrived overnight by email, sighing, and then spending the next forty-five minutes surfing through the half-dozen or so websites and messageboards he habitually frequents.

"It’s not like, if I failed to do my job, people are going to die," said Jim. "To be honest, if the entire company went bust, it really wouldn’t affect anyone."

"I like the BBC website. It retains a certain respectability – even if your boss was to catch you, noone is going to sack you for looking at the news." However, the Buffy the Vampire Slayer fansite is another matter. "I nearly got caught looking at a picture gallery of Sarah Michelle Geller. All innocent and above board, but, in a work context, one can never be too careful." Mr Barnes suddenly closed the window he was looking at and and started typing on the document he was supposed to be working on, as his boss, out the corner of his eye, got up and started to make his way over.

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to truth or humour is strictly coincidental. Copyleft 2002 Craig Weldon.