Issue #4 16th May 2002

Transmitting Satire From Scotland

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Dewar's Statue - Scaring Small Children Already

scary manIt has only been up a week, but already Glasgow parents have been threatening their younger offspring that the statue of the 'scary man' will come alive and get them, should they fail to behave according to their parents bafflings strictures. "See that new statue?" said Glasgow mum Angela Burns, 36, to her entranced but apprehensive wean. "Well he's just arrived in Glasgow to GET all the kids who disobey their parents. Now do up your coat." Similar threats have been issued all over the city, where small children are told "if you don't eat your greens, he comes awake at midnight to eat YOU!" The effect on some of the youngest generation has been dramatic. Nicola Price, 5 now bursts into hysterics anytime her mother drags her near the top of Buchanan St. "I wish I'd never told her, that the scary man would get her if she didn't sit still last week," says her mother, who shops in Buchanan Galleries. However, the threats are not effective to all children. "I don't believe in Donald Dewar," said cocky youngster Steve McPhail, 6. "My big brother put a cone on his head and what has the statue done about it? Nothing."

Venture Capitalist worth worth more than Nurse, Claims Daily Record

Daily Record readers choked on their morning cornflakes today as they read of the high value venture capitalists bring to the country – in direct contradiction to their firmly held beliefs, beliefs that the Daily Record has, up till now, been all to happy to reinforce.

"We all know the value of nurses in our society," the piece started, normally enough, though it wasn’t soon before we started to read a very different tone to the one we have become accustomed to from Scotland’s most popular newspaper. "But how can we afford to pay nurses a decent amount, unless the rest of us are earning too? This is where venture capitalists, who help entrepreneurs create jobs, come in. If it wasn’t for venture capitalists helping entrepreneurs create jobs, we wouldn’t be able to afford to pay nurses – and the health services would collapse! So hats off to venture capitalists, who help society prosper!" the piece triumphantly, and utterly unexpectedly, ended.

We asked some Daily Record readers for their reaction to this unusual story. "This is wrong. This is so wrong," said Cumbernauld worker John Smith, over a breaktime cigarette. "Everyone knows the pressure nurses are up against, day after day. And what do venure capitalists do? Make themselves even richer. I wish I had £2 million seedcorn money to invest over 5 years in a promising SME, I can tell you. Life would be a hell of a lot easier then than it is now! These venture capitalists have no idea what it is like to live in the real world."

We asked the Daily Record to explain their highly surprising story. "It is an experimental story we try from time to time, to test the envelope of our core readership," said a Record spokeswoman. "In this case it seems to have exceeded the parameters of bitter North Lanarkshire socialists, so we will go back to putting nurses on a pedestal, and calling venture capitalists ‘fat cats’. Next week we are planning another controversial experimental headline – ‘End This Sectarian Cancer - Why It’s Time For Glasgow United’."

Barrs Irn Bru Only Fizzy Pop Recommended by National Dental Association

In a move that is bound to shock more traditional dental associations, but delight the soft drink entrepreneurs of Scotland, the National Dental Association yesterday made the bold move of recommending Barrs Irn Bru – the only dental association in the world to make such a move. At a special press conference held in a school canteen yesterday, NDA official Terry Dent outlined the thinking behind the surprise announcement. "Barrs Irn Bru, like all fizzy pop, is incredibly bad for the teeth," explained Mr Dent, "but Scotland is possibly the only country in the world where Coca Cola is not the number one selling soft drink. Barrs Irn Bru holds a unique cultural importance in Scottish society, and this importance is under threat with recent rises in cola sales. We should be big enough to rise above our concerns over mere dental health and recognise that. Nor do we want to hold back an entrepreneurial success story, in a country which is not exactly bursting with economic good news." Mr Dent then revealed that there was perhaps an element of competition involved with the announcement. "The Swiss Dental Association is recommending Lindt Milk Chocolate. We do not want to be seen to be holding back our country’s valuable exports – and so we made the controversial, but we believe justified, decision to support Scotland’s Other National Drink."

The Irish Dental Association is believed to be reconsidering its policy on hurling.

We're a Nation of Pub Freaks

Scotland has become a nation of pub freaks, with a record number of people joining a pub, recent pub industry figures reveal. But we don't always get value for money from our pubs, and this is something that Lisa Stevenson, pub watchdog, wants to put right.

"People join pubs for all sorts of reasons," says Lisa, "social health, to meet people, to get out the house, to work off the stress of a busy week - but many of us pay over the odds for our pub membership." Lisa is concerned over the low numbers of qualified staff many bars have to tend to pub goers, and believes this leaves the beginner frightened off. "People often feel intimidated when they first go to the pub. For example, the heavy drinkers tend to keep to themselves, and their vast bellies can discourage the casual pubgoer from having a proper go at lifting several pints of stout. Or there are the social pubbers - people who only go to look at members of the opposite sex, rather than what they are supposed to be doing in the pub, which is drink." But it is not just the pubs that are at fault. Pubgoers need to change their attitudes too. "All too often, people decide that they need to get drunk, and so, at the start of the party season, they pay out quite considerable sums for the priviledge of joining a pub. Sure, in the first couple of weeks, they are full of good intentions, and down pints like there is no tomorrow, but soon they get bored, and start making excuses to visit relatives, or go down the gym - anything rather than head for the pub."

But it is fear of admitting defeat - that they would much rather go to the gym, that stops people from cancelling their pub membership. As my lapsed pubgoing colleague put it - "Just knowing that card is in your pocket is a comforting thing. I may not be drunk now, but I could be if I wanted".
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to truth or humour is strictly coincidental. Copyleft 2002 Craig Weldon.