Issue23 17th August 2003
Transmitting Satire From Scotland
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Virtual
Tour of Scotland FirstFoot Jaggy Thistle Wreckered Webrag |
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Health of Scottish Men Has Almost Become a National Joke...said Jack McConnell at a recent press conference, sucessfully managing to suppress his mirth at the carnival of comedy that is Scotsmens' health. Drinking, smoking, lack of exercise, eating shit food - all things associated with the average Labour supporter. "We plan a policy of sending out portable 'Health MoT' vans, perhaps staffed by attractive nurses, to encourage men to at least own up to their problems," continued Mr McConnell courageously, aware of the electoral gamble involved in getting people to take responsibility for their own wellbeing rather than leaving everything to the Labour party.The various other ways men could improve their health, continued Mr McConnell, was to improve the quality of life of their electorate, stop relying on the Daily Record for its campaigning, clean up corruption in local government, and put in place a plan for dealing with disputes between Westminster and Holyrood when two different parties sat in these two different chambers. "No wait," said McConnell, confused. "Isn't that the plan for the Labour party?" |
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Edinburgh and Glasgow to Become Dynamic DuoEdinburgh and Glasgow's leaders, Lesley Hinds and Liz Cameron respectively, have met to affirm their committment to improving the status of both Edinburgh AND Glasgow, together. "There are many things we can do together to improve mutual prosperity," continued the provost of Edinburgh. "Things like having the parliament and as many national institutions as possible in Edinburgh, and building a super-fast commuter railway from Glasgow to Edinburgh for those unfortunate enough not to live in our wonderful capital."Indeed the plan is to eventually create a true binary city in Central Scotland, continued Ms Hinds. "Edinburgh will become number one, and Glasgow, a big fat zero."* *That's a little paranoid Weegie base-number related joke for all our computer scientist readers, folks. |
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Butteries Accorded Royal Food StatusBallater buttery merchant A.B. Mackintosh has proudly unveiled their latest royal warrant - Official Supplier of Butteries, to HRH Prince William Wales, Baron of Millport. "It's a real coup," said Mr Mackintosh, proudly. "Prince William just cannot get enough of his butteries. None of the other royals can stand our super-salted, local speciality sourbread, but he goes crazy for them. Indeed, when he returns home from Balmoral, he always requests a hamper of butteries to be delivered to his St Andrews flat, along with a consignment of extra salt." Other North-East merchants also hope to muscle in on some of the official royal supplier status action, with BP-Amaco hoping to become Official Supplier of Refined Petroleum Products, Amadeus Nightclub hoping to land Official Supplier of Underdressed Females, and Aberdeen Football Club front of the running to become Official Supplier of Sporting Angst. |
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Carve Your Faces on the Moon!Artefacts of this present raceLike plastic bags or nuclear waste Shall judge us once we're dead. When future people poke about The icy wastes: that I've no doubt Will smother cities once we're dead. But from the evidence in -235 Will they be able to bring alive Glasgow Rangers, Bay-Em-Vee Elvis Presley on TV Cultural things:- it's rude to fart Or shape and meaning of a loveheart? And will it matter anyway For when the ice melt fills the sea Volcanoes spurt with solemn glee They'll drown and pine for lack of sun And they'll die too. Then all the wonder and glory That was ever the human race Of all the thoughts and schemes of man There will be left no trace Save one small boon: What will alien explorers make Of footprints on the moon? |