'Hey, it Was All Just a Joke,' Admits Mugabe

Zimbabwe, April 2002. A country on the brink of anarchy and genocide is pulled back from the edge by the startling admission of its dictatorial leader, Robert Mugabe, that recent events, such as the rigged election, imprisonment and torture of members of the press, intimidation and ‘disappearance’ of members of the opposition, and the murder and displacement of white farmers, was all just a big practical joke. "Hey," said Mugabe, digging recently jailed on treason charges opposition leader Morgan Tzangiri in the ribs, "can’t you guys take a joke? I never really meant to kill you!" Turning his attention to the farmers, he went on "me and the boys like a laugh now and then. No hard feelings, eh? What say we all get together for a game cricket? Only we’ll bring grenades! Heh heh! Only joking!" To show that there are no hard feelings, Mugabe plans to buy everyone in Zimbabwe a free drink, funding this generous gesture not from the treasury, but from his own private Cayman Islands bank account. "Well, I suppose that makes it ok," said put upon newspaper editor Geoff Nyarota. "I guess we can forgive him his past transgressions, and look forward to twenty more years of increasingly paranoid, economically disastrous dictatorship."

Nationalists Set Up Political Youth Academy

"Scotland needs good nationalists" goes the recruiting slogan. But where are the good nationalists coming from? It is to combat the lack of talent inherent in today’s nationalist side, that SNP leader John Swinney today unveiled his latest initiative – a youth academy. "Our politicians do a good job," said Swinney, surveying his bigoted and half-witted ranks, "to the best of their abilities. But really, if we are to compete on the European stage, we need fresh talent to forge the nationalism of the future. If we wait for Labour-run schools to produce the flower of nationalist youth required for the future, we will never get anywhere. We have been neglecting our youth for too long. This is why I propose a nationalist youth academy – where the nationalists of the future can learn common sense, patience, debating, rhetoric, and basic motor skills." The hope is that, in ten to twelve years time, these academies will throw up nationalists worthy of a modern, confident nation. But in the meantime, Swinney makes do with what he has. "Well, when I became boss of the SNP, I did call on big Jim Sillars," confessed Swinney, "but he refused to play for the team again. Well bygones are bygones, and now we are looking forward hopefully to the future. And the seed of that future is in nationalist youth academies."

Smacking Ban: Use Psychological Cruelty Instead

With the recent ban on the physical punishment of young children, parents in Scotland are worried that their bairns may become uncontrollable and an embarrassment to the family name. But, according to anti-smacking campaigner Linda Thompson, smacking is not the only way to control your precious charges. "Use psychological cruelty instead," she explains. "Children are very vulnerable to how adults treat them, and we can use this to our advantage when controlling our children. For example, ignoring them completely, laughing at them, telling them that if they don’t behave, the nasty man is going to get them, locking them in a cupboard overnight without food, getting drunk and scaring them by acting in a completely unpredictable manner, going on holiday overnight without telling them – none of these things involve smacking, but they can all be used to effectively cow your child. Thank goodness that smacking is now illegal. Parents will have to use their imaginations now when punishing their children, and I think you will find it should help create a much healthier, more child-friendly society."

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