Issue28 19th Nov 2003

Transmitting Satire From Scotland

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Bush in First US State Visit to Britain Since 1918

*Following Woodrow Wilson's visit to the UK in 1918, a pub in Carlisle renamed itself after the then president.
*It is unlikely that any bars today will want to follow that course of action.
*However, if they did, may we suggest a few names?
  • Dubya's
       (a tacky, no-nonsense working class nightclub)
  • Neo-con
       (a converted city-centre bank with dazzling ceilings and delusions of graduer)
  • The Warmongering Former Alcoholic
       (a quirky, individually owned real-ale pub with beer skittles)
  • The Canaan Banana Bar
       (whoops, wrong leader!)

'Shoddy Service' Living History Attraction a Roaring Success

Following hot on the heels of such living history visitor attractions as 'Archaeolink' in Aberdeenshire, where visitors can watch locals dressed up as picts do pictish things, or 'Vikingar' in Largs, where visitors can watch locals dressed as vikings fight over boats, Scotland's tourist industry has again come up trumps with the latest living history attraction just opened in Glengloaming. The 'shoddy service' attraction, where visitors get to be refused food after 2pm, only to be eventually served an overpriced limp sandwich on three-day old bread with a churlish flourish has been drawing the crowds and rave reviews from representatives across the international tourism industry.

Indeed, the visitor attraction is said to be so accurate that it is impossible to distinguish it from nearby Glengloaming Hotel. Ceud Mile Failte!

Glasgow to Run Incapacity Benefit Festival

Incapacity Benefit Day! With so many people in Glasgow on Incapacity Benefit (100,000 souls at the last count, or one seventh the population of the entire city), the city council has decided to host a special festival, just for people on Incapacity Benefit. "This festival will be really exciting," said city benefit assessor Mags McMinn. "Why should those who cannot work for medical reasons be excluded from our cultural calendar? No, this just won't do. So to that end, we have decided to create a special festival just for them. Glasgow citizens on Incapacity Benefit will be able to attend our free shows (with free food and drink) to be hosted at the top of Glasgow Tower, and we expect there to be standing-only queues of several hours to get in. Under several heavy sacks of coal, after a stressful, panic-attack inducing interview. And anyone capable of attending...." Ms McMinn let her words hang in the air, whilst chuckling triumphantly.

Definately NOT Racist Man in Ned Vitriol

"What?! How can you say something like that? You should be ashamed of yourself! 'Send them all back'!! You know, I thought I knew you, but I'm not so sure I feel so close to you now. I mean, when I lived in London several of my friends were black. How can you say something like that? I'm sorry, but that's just racist. No, I'm not listening to your arguments. It's true. Look mate, just accept it. The first step is to actually *realise* you're racist in the first place. And what's with all the anti-English sentiment in this country? It's *so* small minded. It disgusts me. I for one will be supporting England at the rugby world cup, and as they are our nearest neighbours, you should too. Oh, you agree? Really? Well, I guess we're not all as small minded as all that. I apologise. See those damn scum neds? Bastards should all be castrated, every single shell-suited one of them. Yes! I know! EXACTLY!"

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to truth or humour is strictly coincidental. Copyleft 2003 Craig Weldon.