Issue32 20th Jan 2004

Transmitting Satire From Scotland

Home Page
Go Home
Past Issues
Past Issues
Letters
Your Letters Mail letters@hootsmon.com.
Links
Virtual Tour of Scotland
FirstFoot
Jaggy Thistle
Wreckered Webrag

Edinburgh's 2003 Hogmanay Washout

Bad things about Edinburgh's 2003 Hogmanay Washout
  • The city's reputation took a dive as tourists reacted with disgust to the last-minute cancelled shows
  • Fantastic poprockers Franz Ferdinand were denied a wider audience for their auditory genius
  • Large crowds tholed the freezing gales but nothing happened anyway
  • The pubs were impossible to get into as everyone fled the scene
Good things about Edinburgh's 2003 Hogmanay Washout
  • I was in Glasgow ;)

Scottish Salmon World's Most Contaminated, US-based Scientists Reveal

A group of US-based scientists revealed last week in the latest food scare that Scottish farmed salmon has more contaminants than most other farmed salmon, some US-based scientists revealed last week in the latest food scare revealed by US-based scientists.

Hootsmon.com likes a good fishy tale, and, smelling a rat, we invented some quotes from the recent US-based scientists.

"As oily fish is so dangerous, we suggest instead you eat proper, real food - like Scotch pies, or deep fried Mars bars," said the latest US-based scientists. "That'll put hairs on your chest."

"Or how about you eat our healthy American food," suggested the premium US-based scientists, "for example, Genetically Modified Maize, McDonald's Big Macs, or KFC Buffalo Wings."

"Mmmmm, buffalo wings."

Leave it Aht, Apples and Pears, Apples and Pears

The Home Office has caused a stushie in the steamie by refusing a foreign student entry to Britain. Why? She wished to study English in Scotland. The HO claimed that as the Russian woman would have to resit her English exam, it would be preferable to study in the South of England rather than Scotland, as people in the South of England speak more be'-ur, innit, know what I mean.

The other reasons given by the home office ranged from:

     "The sun doesn't rise for three months in winter in Edinburgh"

to:

     "Come to Oxford and recruit some spies."

We called a spokeswoman for the Home Office for a further explain of this decision, and as far as we could make out, this is what she said:

"Pawk the caw in Hawvahd Yahd. Haw de haw de haw de haw. Orf faw a barf."

PS: There were other, rather good reasons for the Russian woman not to be let into Britain, but let's not be ruining a good story now - it didn't stop the SNP.

Burns Night A'right

Burns Night should be better known. This peculiar poetry-based bacchanalia occurs at the very point of the year when everyone needs cheered up - the fag-end of January. Let's face it, no month except February is more depressing, and at least Feb is short, except in leap years. Damn you, leap years! So with the exception of making a whole load of Chinese friends and celebrating the year 4701, how should the average hootsmon.com reader approach the end of January? Well, here are a few tips:
  • Learn Tam o'Shanter: Forget the masonic handshake. If you can recite the whole of Tam o'Shanter, word for word, with actions, no reading, you are a made man.
  • Be a Patter Merchant: Actually, this helps in the other 364.25 days of the year as well, so no big surprise there. However if your patter is shite, simply waiting till everyone else is drunk does the trick.
  • Like Scottish Food: This is harder than it sounds. Haggis? Deep Fried Pizza? Scottish food is sitting there on the table going, come and have a go if you think you're hard enough. It should not be a surprise that there are so many Burns societies in countries with great cuisines.
  • Wear a Kilt: Did Robert Burns ever wear a kilt? Unlikely. However, none of this matters when the hands start straying....
  • Learn Scottish Dancing: Scottish Country Dancing consists of drunk men in kilts throwing drunk women in dresses around a sprung floor. Noone can remember how to do the dance, but noone cares - everyone gets into the spirit of things, which is throwing things around. The Hooligans Jig was invented in Scotland.
  • Realise There is More to Life: The best part about Burns night is that everyone gets together, gets drunk, and recites poetry. And the poetry makes you think, because although accessible it is very, very good. Let's face it, there are few other poets you could dedicate a whole drunken tradition around. Maya Angelou Night anyone? Phillip Larkin Night? Unlikely...

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to truth or humour is strictly coincidental. Copyleft 2004 Craig Weldon.