Issue26 20th Oct 2003

Transmitting Satire From Scotland

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China Sends Manned Rocket Into Space

Meanwhile in Scotland, a Spaced Mad Rocket plans to Chib ya.

Frank McAveety Calls for National Sport, Culture, Leisure, Music, Arts, & Tourism Day

Frank McAveety, Minister for Sport, Culture, Leisure, Music, Arts, & Tourism, has called for a National Sport, Culture, Leisure, Music, Arts, & Tourism Day - to reflect the high worth the Scottish Executive places on these important areas of national life. "Sport, culture, leisure, music, arts, & tourism are extremely important to the sense of identity, cultural richness, and economy of Scotland," the likeable 'Signed Programme' McAveety explained. "It is my aim to put on a Lemonescent gig, wearing tartan mini-kilts, at a curling rink, on a public holiday, which AL Kennedy can then write up for the BBC website on this special Day I am proposing. That should just about cover all the bases."

Cocaine Found in Scottish Parliament Toilets

"It was the lobbyists!" said the spin doctors. "It was the press!" said the lobbyists. "It was allegedly the MSPs!" said the press. "It was the neds and underlines our commitment to removing these scum from our society!" said the MSPs.

Goths & Neds in Battle Over Ownership of Moral Low Ground

Like the mods and rockers of the 60s, two youth cultures clashed in Glasgow city centre this weekend. Style fight! And the battle was over the biggie - who are the real wasters? Who are the real rebels without a cause, the lost boys, the sound and fury shouted into an empty void, signifying nothing?

Well, after receiving some pass-remarkable intimidation en route to Royal Exchange Square to talk about Slipknot and self-harm, one goth got in a fight with some baseball-capped, track-suited neds.

Pow!

And then his baggy-jeaned, chain-wearing compadres came to the rescue and beat the neds off.

Zap!

But oh no!! A gang of around twenty socks-in-breeks, alcopop-swigging neds arrived soon after and the goths were unable to stand their ground, with two unlucky black-t-shirted warriors being cut.

Kazaam!

After the tactical defeat, however, the satanic faction reported a moral and strategic victory. "This guy went for me with a knife and all I was trying to do was protect my extremely pale girlfriend," reported one traumatised goth. Shag! "Why can't these cunts leave us alone? Well, let's see who's laughing once I've gone to uni and got a job, just to piss from a great height on the irredeemable dole proles that every single one of those scum neds will surely become. Excuse me, but I have an urge to write a letter to the Daily Record in my own blood."

And the neds?

"Aye, we pure had their dinners man," reported one acne scarred, jaunty-capped, whit-the-fuck-am-I-going-to-do-with-my-life ned. Ooohh! "Moral low ground? Whit ye oan? Tried talking tae wan ae them pure mental charlie-fuelled MSPs??"

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to truth or humour is strictly coincidental. Copyleft 2003 Craig Weldon.