Issue16 21st April 2003
Transmitting Satire From Scotland
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Virtual
Tour of Scotland FirstFoot Jaggy Thistle Wreckered Webrag |
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Bush 'We Cannot Ignore SSP Threat' Tony Blair called in a favour with good friend and economic imperialist hawk George W Bush in yesterday's joint press conference over the immediate future of post-conflict Iraq. In a seemingly carefully scripted outburst, the Leader of the Free World said: "Whilst the attentionary of the world is on Eye-raq, I would like to say a few words about equally importating issues." The world's press sat on the edge of their seats as George looked up from his speech, looked around him as if he couldn't believe he'd gotten away with being President of the United States for so long, and refocused on the paper in front of him. "The SSP could gain up to nine seats in the Scottish Parliamentary Election. Nine!" he said, pausing to let the importatance of these words sink in. "These people are consistorary anti-war, even when war is obviously in the best interests of the USA. They also want to turn Scotland into a single-party state that isn't Tony Blair's Labour. We cannot allow this to happen!""Thanks George," responded Blair, visibly moved. "My unwavering support and real contribution to the war in Iraq was not in vain if we can stop the SSP from gaining up to nine seats in the Scottish Parliament." |
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EU Introduce National Caricature StandardsIn a move that is bound to cause controversy, and once again reduce the colourful variety of British life, the European Union is set to introduce new Europe-wide National Caricature standards. These standards, to be ratified as law later this week, are being introduced to reduce the confusion between member states as to what national characteristics their neighbours actually posses. No longer will British television comedy shows be able to show simpleminded Spanish waiters, when Spanish television comedy shows portray simpleminded Italian waiters - all simpleminded television comedy waiters in the Eurozone will from now on require to be Irish, even on Irish television comedy shows. But this standardisation also reduces nations' rich internal stereotypes - no longer will we have the colourful differences between untrustworthy, thieving Scousers, laid back friendly Devonians, mean Aberdonians, thick Brummies, or violent Glasweigans; instead, all members of the United Kingdom will be portrayed uniformly as a polite, class conscious people, with terrible food and dress sense, as ruled in European Union Directive 4637.24, subsection d. However, it could be said that the British get off fairly lightly under the new directive. Belgium, in particular, seems to get the short end of the stick - being portrayed officially as a nation of fat bellied, boorish businessmen with small feet. This is a far cry from the Netherlands, in many ways the surprise package under the new ruling, whose people are portrayed as being cheerful, sexy, good looking, happy, cultured, and healthy, with the best beer in Europe. The Belgian envoy to the Commision on National Caricatures is to lodge an official complaint. "This is all down to the Commisionaire who introduced this law being Dutch," the fat racist was heard to mutter darkly into his elevenses of cakes and inferior biere blanc. |
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Vote Labour or Risk Destroying the Physical Fabric of the Universe, Says Daily RecordHmm, let's look through the hole in this strangely shaped stone I've found on the shores of Loch Ussie, and see if we can read the newspaper headlines of the future... wait, what is this swimming into view?
Death! Destruction! Pestilence! The sun blotted out in nuclear winter! SNP! Desolation! North Korea! Europe cold-shouldering Scotland! No more handouts! Having to make your own decisions! Who do you trust - Brown or Swinney?! You'll never see your relatives in England again! Corn withers on the stalk! Oh, worthless, unworthy! Look into the darkness! The light is dazzling! Can't...see...a...thing... there'll be no going back! Oh the fear, the terror! Get it off, get it off me! Aarrrgghhh!! Labour. Labour. Labour. Yes, things will be ok. That's right. Labour. Breathe deeply. Vote Labour, and it will go away. There there. Go back to sleep now, it was all a horrible dream. Vote Labour. Labour, safe, Labour, Labour. Labour...Zzzzzzzz |
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The Big Rant: Scottish TourismTourism is now Scotland's biggest industry. And yet close neighbours and industrial competitors Ireland and England manage to pull in more tourists, despite the raw materials being inferior. Don't believe me? Let's look at a few examples:GOLF
SCENERY
InventorLand: Everyone in Scotland knows that Scots invented everything, ever. With inventorland, the whole world can now know! Anything not invented by Scots, like motor cars or fruit, will be banned in case they ruin the general 'Scottish' ethos. Could cause confusion, scurvy, a money-free economy. Slogan: 'If its no Scottish, its CRAP!' World of Rain: You've gotta roll with your natural resources, and what natural resource does Scotland have in abundance? Rain! In World of Rain, tourists can learn of the immense impact of rain on our lives, different cloud formations, rain-related humour, and can take home, at hugely inflated prices, bottles of specially collected, gift wrapped, Scottish Rain! Cannabis County: There is an immense global market in illegal drugs. If Scotland legalises cannabis, we can take advantage of the subsequent high-spending, crack-addled tourists that so enhance the thoroughfares of Amsterdam. In choosing an area of Scotland to be turned into Britain's first cannabis tolerance zone, may I suggest North Lanarkshire? Decent tourists can enjoy the rest of Scotland in peace, potheads will be too stoned to realise what a shitehole they've been fobbed off with, and residents of Motherwell will have a new reason for existing beyond keeping Daily Record journalists and Old Firm footballers in employment. Kilts: What is it that tourists come to Scotland to see? Men in Kilts. So let's give them what they want. Be proud to wear your kilt. If you don't have a kilt, be proud to wear your tartan travel rug. The more guys that stride round our streets with swathes of tartan fabric flapping at their knees, the more tourists will want to visit. Trust me, I used to live in the States. Domestic Tourist Strategy:  Visitscotland cannot fail here. Simply play the old Scottish schizophrenia card. What is it that Scots don't like about Scotland, as opposed to Spain? Because the weather is crap, and the beer expensive. The solution? Simple. Tell Scots that they are weak and worthless, and need not cheaper beer and better weather, but *really, really shit weather* and *fucking expensive alcohol*. It's character building. The Calvanist tendancy within Scotland will gravitate humourlessly towards this pitch, while the national schizophrenia will still be able to greet tourists with a smile and romantic tales of history, good food, easy sex, spectacular sunsets, and comfortable beds. Hey baby, if you can't fight it, work with it.
So come on Visitscotland, what's going on here?? I don't believe that Scotland is fulfilling its potential, the way Ireland and England already are. So let's see a bit more positive self-promotion (and cheap air fares). If politicians won't wear a kilt and play bagpipes for the sake of Scottish jobs, then I want to vote for different politicians, ones with hairy knees and a fund of cheesy stories about Mary, Queen of Scots. More rational tourism resources: Irish Tourism Benchmark Visitscotland.com |
Scotland: I've no idea where to start with Scottish scenery, but let's take a look at the circular drive from Oban to Glencoe and back. Killarney has Ross Castle, here we have Kilchurn and Stalker. Macgillacuddy's reeks loom large in Iveragh, but not nearly as large as Ben Cruachan or Bidean nam Bian. We have coastal scenery in Kerry; in Argyll, we have some genuine fjords in Loch Creran, Loch Etive, Loch Leven. What's better - the lakes of Killarney, or Glencoe, Rannoch Moor, and Loch Awe? So this is a superior drive - and it is nowhere near being the best drive in Scotland.