Issue25 21st Sept 2003
Transmitting Satire From Scotland
| Home Page |
| Go Home |
| Past Issues |
| Past Issues |
| Letters |
| Your Letters Mail letters@hootsmon.com. |
| Links |
|
Virtual
Tour of Scotland FirstFoot Jaggy Thistle Wreckered Webrag |
|
Jack McConnell's Reserved MattersJack McConnell was conducting an affair. Just before climaxing, he withdrew and spilt his seed all over his lover's belly. "But Jack," she protested. "Don't you want to cum inside me?" "Yes I do," replied Mr McConnell. "But let you husband deal with it. Yon's a reserved matter."Jack McConnell woke up one morning and went to the door to see if the postman had been. Surprise! There was a newborn baby sitting on his doorstep!! Jack closed the door, went inside, and made his breakfast. His wife awoke, ate breakfast, and went out to work. "Jack!" she exclaimed. "There's a baby on our doorstep! Why on earth didn't you bring the poor thing in?" "Ah," replied Mr McConnell. "I would, but what would the mother think if I appropriated that child? No, yon bairn's welfare's a reserved matter." Jack McConnell was walking his dog along Brodick beach when his hound decided to answer a call of nature. After the dog finished, the pair continued their walk. However, a bypasser had witnessed this fouling of the beach, and felt obliged to comment. "Shouldn't you clear that shite up?" the indignant pedestrian asked. "No," replied Mr McConnell, looking sorrowfully at his dog. "He's still to learn how to do it himself, but I can't go cleaning up after him. Yon shite's a reserved matter." Jack McConnell was in a bit of a political fix over his refusal to discuss a few high-profile asylum cases. Hmmm, he thought, what can I do? I know, I will ask the Scottish Labour Party to rally round! "Elaine," he confided in parliamentary colleague Elaine Smith MSP, "can you help me out here, stand by me, fight my corner in the press and in parliament?" But suddenly, Ms Smith appeared coy and unhelpful! "Ah Jack, I'd love to do that, you know I would," she replied. "But I'm afraid you're going to have to fight your own battles. See, speaking up for you is a reserved matter." |
|
Guide to Scottish PronounciationExercise your Scots jaw with the following:Urquhart (Ur-kart) Milngavie (Mul-guy) Garioch (Gee-ree) Coulquhon (Col-hoon) Buccleuch (Buck-cloo) Kirkcudbright (Ker-coo-bree) Sgurr na Banachdich (Skurr na Banach-dich) Beinn Liath a Ghuibhais Mhor (Ben Lee-ath a Goo-vay Vor) Twatt (Twott) Smell Yer Maw, Fannybaws (Oh, I give up) Go on. Say them out loud. I dare you. |
|
McConnell: "Bitter North Lanarkshire Socialists ARE the Law"Scottish First Minister Jack McConnell gave Scottish judges and lawyers a good ticking off recently, as lately they haven't been jailing enough neds. "Neds can expect no quarter in Scotland. See what I used to say last year about children being our future - well aye, but not neds. They bring fear and intimidation to core elderly voters, voters who are sick of outmoded concepts like community spirit and socialism and want us instead to increase the breadth and severity of criminal punishment. Well, that's how I read it. And what's with this crazy talk proposal to liberalise drinking hours? And decriminalise cannabis?? Bitter North Lanarkshire socialists won't stand for it, and so I tell you - neither shall I."Veteran lawyer Sue Yerass complained off-record to your right riveting Hootsmon.com: "Perhaps we can put neds up in Dungavel Detention Centre instead? Then he might completely loose interest in them and we can go back to discussing real criminals." |
|
118, 118Here's a wee Halloween tip folks. This year, thanks to one of the most original and eye-catching advertising campaigns in ages, Britain's least original fancy dress costume will be a brace of friends turning up with Zapata 'tashes and 1970's running gear with the running numbers: 118, 118. Just a wee heads-up, because there will be at least one set of these athletes at every fancy dress party from now until Christmas. Slainte! |