Issue14 24th March 2003
Transmitting Satire From Scotland
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Virtual
Tour of Scotland FirstFoot Jaggy Thistle Wreckered Webrag |
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Scottish Election: Who Cares?War. Death. Hysteria. Immorality. Illegality. Small children, brains on the pavement. Gas masks. Laughing dictators. Advance on Stalindad. George Galloway. In such an environment, we ask the question: Scottish Election: Who Cares? Will voting McConnell and Labour out achieve anything? SNP in power through the back door, caught like a rabbit in the headlights of a protest vote? 16-year-old anti-war truants the SSP voters of tomorrow? Who cares? We care. The war has nothing to do with the Scottish parliament, and yet the repercussions of it are likely to be felt in domestic politics for the next few years at the very least. Here we present, in order of plausibility, the possible scenarios:SNP becomes largest party: Neither expecting nor prepared for government, the SNP start off well but are stymied by internal divisions over speed of progress towards independence. Loosing a referendum late in term, they are kicked out of power by Labour in the proceeding election. SNP take a generation to recover. War is over by May, Conservatives benefit at expense of SNP and Lib Dems: David McLetchie blows dust off contact book and assumes air of overweening importance, unrelated to party's actual standing when compared to the still monolithic giant of Labour. Country continues economic tailspin. People admire Tommy Sheridan's principled stance, vote overwhelmingly for the SSP: Scotland becomes independent hard-left state. Declared member four in 'Axis of Evil'. USA bombs People's Independent Socialist Scottish Republic. The French, just like whenever their presence was required during the Auld Alliance, are nowhere to be seen. Lib Dems gain a few seats: Quite frankly, a ridiculous proposal. Nobody likes the Lib Dems because, in a crazy world, their policies just make too much damn sense. |
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Allies Secure Vital Beachheads in Al Faw, Basra, US Media  Coalition forces today announced the important news that the primary early targets in the war on Saddam Hussein, the deepwater port of Um Qasr and second city of Basra, were, save for a few snipers, entirely in coalition hands. However, equally important is the hearts and minds policy being persued in the US media, with reporters embedded in US armoured columns and infantry divisions becoming caught up in the excitement of shock and awe operations. "Colourful explosions, our boys on the move*, tanks running, marines crawling purposely through the sand, Arabs with their hands up, the excitement and unstoppable momentum of US firepower vividly comes through in every rolling news report we file," said CNN's Dan Rather (ooer). Or possibly NBS's Dan Rather (matron). Honestly, who gives a fuck who he works for? Fucking perma-tanned mahogany skinned deep voiced surgically whitened sincere as a used car salesman twat. I wish I had never switched my hotel room TV on. Why are they showing US news anyway? What's wrong with BBC or even Al-Jazeera? You can suck out our brains and replace real news with shouty insincere wooden senator wannabes, but you'll never take our Old Firm!!
*hootsmon.com is proud to support our boys on the move. |
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Law-Abiding Teen Sick of Suspicious ShopkeeperWith a surly stare, Sanquhar shopkeeper Sally Shields keeps an eye on theiving, good-for-nothing teenagers in her small Sanquhar convenience store. With a forbidding 'No more than two schoolchildren at any one time' sign on the door of the shop, local kids are forewarned that Sally Shields means business in this store. Shoplifters will be prosecuted. And indeed, this is a policy she has followed through with iron unstoppability before. "I once had a child in here stealing a copy of 'Men Only' whilst making a pathetic attempt to hide it inside the cover of 'Autocar' and making like he had replaced it rather than snuck it up his sleeve when he came to purchase the 'Autocar'. Of course, I called the police, his parents, and the girl that I knew he had a secret crush on, to ensure maximum humiliation to the child. A good shock is the only way these toe-rags will learn," she said, through pursed lips. However, a quick survey of the schoolboys jumping about the store on a weekday lunchtime revealed a quite unintended effect. Law-abiding, straight-'A' student Michael Watson revealed a patience just about done with the Shields regime."Every time I walk into that shop, I get the evil eye," confessed Michael. "And I'm sick of it. I'm thinking of stealing some toilet cakes from near the door." Why? "Just, because. They deserve it from the time she [Sally] threatened to call the police when I couldn't produce enough change to pay for a bag of crisps. It's not like I'm not in that shop almost every day." The battle for Sanquhar SupaSave, we feel, has only just begun. |
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Lotto PottoLotto pottoinstant loose there's nothing like a tax on fools. Or did you really think you'd win? Disgusted, ticket thrown in bin and while you're there, those magazines whose glossy pictures fuelled your dreams and curse those cheery TV balls who choose another lucky winner of cash that's not your yacht, but dinner. You fail in another try for cash. The government play it for a laugh. Lotto potto, you wouldn't loose - if you too got to make the rules. |