Issue20 24th June 2003
Transmitting Satire From Scotland
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Virtual
Tour of Scotland FirstFoot Jaggy Thistle Wreckered Webrag |
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Problems in Parliament? Blame Donald DewarIt is a trump card that has been kept in the drawer, waiting for the right time to be played. But now the Scottish Executive has put its 'get out of jail free' card on the table - blame a dead man who cannot answer back for their current problems.
"Although we will have to wait for the results of the enquiry, I feel confident that most of the problems associated with the new parliamentary building will be revealed to be the fault of the late Donald Dewar," confirmed Jack McConnell this week in a press interview announcing his overdue investigation into the parliamentary building project fiasco. "This is an exercise into discovering what went wrong with the project and how we can avoid such mistakes in the future, and, most importantly, finding someone to pin all the blame on. And although he was a good friend and much respected colleague, there are times when political expediency comes first. Donald would be proud that he is still helping Scottish Labour get out of a fix, even from beyond the grave." Although whether Mr Dewar himself would be proud of colleagues who failed to press him sufficiently when there were such obvious flaws from the beginning in the plan for the Scottish Parliament building is another question.
"Ah, the things I could pin on Wendy Alexander if she were somehow tragically taken from our midst," mused Jack McConnell privately, a whimsical smile playing on enigmatic lips. |
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Hey, Curran - Leave Us Kids Alone!"Neds," spat Rosie Kane, in a recently parliamentary debate, "is an alienating word. It is a word that puts up barriers between young people and their elders, stigmatises them, and trivialises the experiences of growing up in an environment characterised by chronic poverty exacerbated by this government's continuance of Thatcherite policy ayethenkyewverymuchladiesandgentlemen." Stirring words; however, in an environment where the SSP themselves are viewed only as the more eloquent escapees from the lunatic asylum, young men in tracksuits with knives in their waistbands are never going to receive much respect. "I flick my bogies in the general direction of your parliamentary motion," replied caring communities minister Margaret Curran with as much disdain as she could muster. "Neds are a menace to our society, and if they can't accept the fact that their lives are meaningless and bereft of positive role models, especially of father-figures who can command respect in the community at large, then they can rot in our penal system for all I care." Thus Rosie Kane's motion to replace the term ned, shorthand for 'non-educated delinquent', with a more inclusive, empowering term - possibly 'Person of Attitude', or perhaps 'Money Squandering Person', fell flat. |
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Official, WorldWide, Jim Delahunt Appreciation SocietyAgenda from this year's AGM of the Official World Wide Jim Delahunt Appreciation Society:
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BEMBuchaille Etive MorCreag Dearg a Coe Proud before our praises Even the ravens know We must already be - Still man seeks to bind you In order to be free. |
1) President of OWWJDAS to convene meeting by leading the traditional
'Toast to Himself'.