Issue18 25th May 2003
Transmitting Satire From Scotland
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Virtual
Tour of Scotland FirstFoot Jaggy Thistle Wreckered Webrag |
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Congratulations to Celtic
Celtic have done wonders for the reputation of Scottish football recently - and we don't just mean the performance of the team in reaching the UEFA Cup final, held last week in Seville. No, it's the sight of 80,000 football fans from Glasgow gathering in one place without the hospitals overflowing with chib victims that most astonished local Sevillianos.
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Naebody Move - There's Been a Vote!George Reid - presiding officer of the Scottish parliament; DI Taggart, fictional detective. Is there some family resemblence we should be told about, or have I been on the meths again? 
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Null Points BritainWhen it comes to defining British identity, there are some inviolable touchstones. The queen; crap sportsmen; rain. And of course, an utter high-handed, condescending disdain for the Eurovision Song Contest. We all know UK pop is the biggest seller in Europe, and look down at other countries efforts, especially when they show such a desire to win Eurovision that they put their biggest pop stars up for the contest. Bad form, old boy.Well, now Eurovision has bitten back. We all know that the UK was the only European country to dedicate more than a pocketful of troops to the war in Iraq, but the people of Europe voted as if girl-boy duo Jemini had personally occupied Um Qasr. Eurovision audiences are notoriously agenda-led in their voting, and so it wasn't a huge surprise to see the UK score the dreaded 'Nul Points'. There is of course, one other slim possibility - the song was crap. Yes, that might have something to do with it. We may laugh at Eurovision, but if we want to be taken seriously politically over there, we'll need to take Europe seriously ourselves - and that starts with Eurovision. Next time round, Mis-teeq, Blur, Elton John, maybe even a naturalised Madonna, must compete together for the coveted British slot in Europe. Preferably in baroque silver body-wear designed by Jeff Koons. |
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Hey Big International Company, Open Your Branch Office Here!"Hey, great to see you again! Here at Scottish Enterprise, we're really pleased to see you. Sit down! Take a seat! Have you ever thought of opening a branch office in Europe? Too expensive, hmm? You might be pleasantly surprised! We'll give you huge tax breaks if you set up a branch office here! Workers in Scotland are hard working, docile, and cheap, and when you get up and leave two years later, hey, we won't hold it against you - that's just business, eh?! And best of all, we'll take all the flak - not you! So how about it, then? You want more persuasion? How about graduates from some of the best universities in Europe? They are hungry for work, because they don't expect employment here! Communications? Well that's no problem! There are cheap flights every day to London, Frankfurt, and Paris from Prestwick! We'll do anything to please you! Eh? What's that? What do you mean, Ireland's in the Eurozone and has given you a better offer?!! Oh won't you come back? Please? Please?? Oh, please set up jobs here! Don't go!!!Oh, don't go. Why does nobody want to come?" |