Issue #8 25th July 2002

Transmitting Satire From Scotland

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SNP Consider New Logo

old logo new logo In a move towards attracting more voters, an SNP think tank has recently recommended changing the party's distinctive logo. "The current logo is bold and aggressive, with angular lines and primary colours" said party spokesman Kenny Macaskill, "which is a bit of a turn off for female voters. Labour have a nice flower, and the Lib Dems have a sort of Lilets style 'freedom' bird, and so we think the SNP should come up with a similarly female-friendly take on the party logo. Various options are being considered, with a softer, rounder take on the current logo being the front runner in our options."

Some of the other options being considered are a nice downy thistle, a swathe of tartan check, or a stylized shopping mall.

Riot at Summer Festival

Festival-goers rioted at this year's flagship summer music festival T in the Park, when it was revealed that the sponsors Tennents had pulled out - to be replaced by PG Tips. "It is still T(ea) in the Park," explained the organisers, "but now festival-goers can get a nice brew of tea picked from the choicest Indian tips instead of a pint of substandard alcoholic piss." Unable to bear pitching a tent in a cesspit of bodies and mud, to see big name bands plod through their greatest hits, in the pissing rain, without alcohol, the festival attendees rioted. "Where is the joy of going to a summer festival, without getting ripped off your tits?" said one disgruntled member of the public. "Thank f*** I brought some scag."

Piper Paid to Shut TFU

Edinburgh street busker Neil Campbell was paid a large tip yesterday - and the request was that he *stop* playing for the day! Chuffed Neil, revealed that a film production crew gave him a £20 tip to stop playing for a couple of hours - and he was only too happy to oblige, spending some of the money relaxing in a Princes St cafe. "The film crew explained that they needed silence for a particular shot, which would take at least a couple of hours, and might well take all afternoon," Neil explained over a cafe latte. "Well, when they brought out the notes, I was happy to do whatever they wanted. It is a shame for the tourists who will have to go without hearing any piping on that particular stretch of street," confided Neil, moving closer, "but the crew also hinted heavily that they might well need my services for a later shot. They need someone to play 'Coll Cittoch's March on Dunskiey', which I immediately told them I could do for them. But in truth, it's quite a difficult pibroch, and I don't know it, so I'm off to practice at home for a while." When we looked for a film crew, we couldn't find one, but we did see an office with open windows opposite Neil's usual stance, and some relaxed, happy looking workers inside laughing to each other.

Embarassment Cause of Death, Teenage Autopsy Reveals

You will remember the tragic recent case of perfectly healthy teenager Karen Summer dropping dead at an underage disco. Karen, 15, had managed to pluck up the courage to ask out her crush on a date, to which he simply replied with exaggerated horror "no way, ya minger." Karen's embarassment was compounded when she turned around to see all her so called friends laughing at her predicament. It was at this point that Karen's mother burst onto the dance floor to inform her that she was out later than agreed and would get a severe talking to for this. At this point, Karen simply collapsed, never to get up again. Well an autopsy has made it official - Karen died of embarassment.

"Look here," said coroner Dr Sheila O'Hara, "next to the funny bone is the embarassment vessel. In adults it is small, but this one is particularly large and dangerous. Too high a flow of blood through here would result in a complete loss of blood to the brain and death." And Karen's embarassment continues past death into the afterlife. "Look at this underwear," confided Dr O'Hara. "Hello Kitty knickers? I mean, really."
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to truth or humour is strictly coincidental. Copyleft 2002 Craig Weldon.