Issue #9 25th October 2002

Transmitting Satire From Scotland

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Scottish Tourist Board to Market 'Rain and Bog' Holidays

Scotland: the familiar image is of kilt clad pipers, proudly marching out from their ruined castles to play a round or two of golf, and maybe buy some knitwear from a factory outlet later. Well that, according to the Scottish Tourist Board, is the image tourists have of the country, and it is an image they are keen to dispel. "Around the world, Scotland is known for its tartan, knitwear, whisky, ruined castles, and golf," explained STB spokeswoman Brenda McClochloch. "But there is so much more to the country than that, and it is time tourists got to know the real Scotland. For example - how many tourists get to squelch around in a real, godforsaken, wind-blasted bog? How many tourists get to thrill to the raw chill in the bones that only a month's constant drizzle brings? It is time we celebrated our weeping skies and saturated soil. And with the special 'rain & bog' holidays we will be marketing this winter season, tourists will get a feel for the real Highlands - staying in remote cottages a mile from the nearest road, and having to walk across a seeping, sucking, claggy bog to reach their car and any facilities of any kind whatsoever. Our mud is the best in the world - it is time the world knew!"

Rain and bog holiday packages will be on offer in the Western Isles, Sutherland, and large tracts of Rannoch Moor.

Foxhunter Vows to Target Truant Children

Unemployed foxhunter, Rupert Bob-Hoskins, has come up with a radical plan to keep foxhunters in employment, whilst simultaneously dealing with one of the most pressing issues of urban voters – the very same voters whose MSPs made him unemployed. Mr Bob-Hoskins plans to turn his pest control skills to the problem of truant children.

"Children bunking off school can be a pest. Dropping litter, petty theft, menacing old ladies, and generally getting into trouble - well, we can kill two birds with one stone with my initiative," said Mr Bob-Hoskins. "Under my proposals, which are awaiting government subcommittee acceptance before being put forward as a potential Bill, we will chase truants through city streets on horseback, preceeded by a pack of bloodthirsty hounds. When we arrive at the scene of their grounding, the hounds may or may not have already ripped the children to shreds – at which point, we deliver the final blow." Believing this to be by far the most effective way to control the truant problem, "when did a truant officer last catch a child lurking at home when making a surprise home visit? They are all out on street corners," Mr Bob-Hoskins relishes the opportunity to test his theory out. "And once we have the truant problem under control," he said with a gleam in his eye, "we can start on the homeless."

:: This Message Sponsored by the US Foreign Office ::

William Wallace is a regular guy. He likes a beer, shooting pool down the local bar, and Mary, the high school prom queen he married at 19. But most of all, Bill hates people trying to tell him what to do. That's why Bill wants you all to know about the great work of the US foreign office. We hate people trying to tell you what to do as well, especially if they aren't libertarian capitalists like right-thinking people such as yourself. We were founded for leave-me alone (so long as I'm alright) patriots like you. That's right Bill, what were you about to say about the US foreign office?

"Starting Fights in the Name of Democracy Since 1953."

Fine words, Bill. Let's just repeat that for the viewers at home:

"Starting Fights in the Name of Democracy Since 1953."

My Parliamentarian is an Ex-Smug TV Weather Presenter

It was during the usual 'BEAR Boogie', juking from side to side of the carriageway in a sporting attempt to avoid the potholes, that a bright idea sprang to mind. Now, the old bean isn't as sharp as anent, but the old flash of insp. can still be thrown out when required. Why not write to my local MSP about the state of the roads? It couldn't hurt, could it? Like all great plans, it is simplicity in itself, and I knew, with a rush of excitement, that noone else had thought of this plan. If they had, there wouldn't be a problem with the roads now, would there? And whoever my MSP is should know about these things. After all, in particularly rainy weeks, tourists have been known to set up camp next to some of the larger potholes, in the mistaken belief that they are by the bonnie banks of Loch Lomond. It distresses me to see them lost, wandering the shores of the B832 looking for a teashop and cakes. So, all in all, a stiff letter to the old local parliamentarian seemed in order. But what should I discover on looking up his name in the register of names? My parliamentarian is only an ex- Smug TV Weather Presenter! How can I bring my grievance to his attention, when his previous TV career spake only of smug self satisfaction? How could a man with such a luxurious and bouffant crowning glory to attend to concern himself with the mere minutae of the Scottish road system? Without wooing him in Edinburgh's finer trencherhouses, how can I possibly hope for him to condescend to offer his attention? A simple e-mail must suffice, but I fear, I fear the worst. Ex- Smug TV Weather Presenter, I beseech thee, hear my complaint.

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to truth or humour is strictly coincidental. Copyleft 2002 Craig Weldon.