Issue34 27th Mar 2004

Transmitting Satire From Scotland

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Feel Ma Baws

M. Wooster: "Peter, it looks like I am in trouble, you know, people just won't shut up about this Iraq thing! And in a very real sense, it looks like this issue could seriously feel ma baws."

M. Jeeves: "Tony, have you never heard of the philosphy of distraction? To remove pain in one sphere, simply provide a stimulus in another."

M. Wooster: "And remind me how that goes again?"

M. Jeeves: "Belgium, I believe, is particularly ripe for invasion this year..."

The Seven Degrees of Osama Bin Laden

Did you know that everyone in the world is only seven handshakes away from Osama Bin Laden? Fascinating, isn't it! Statistics state that, for seven handshakes, everyone in the world needs to know only thirty people. It's the same wacky mathematics that dooms pyramid investment schemes to inevitable massive failure! Just think, you are only seven handshakes away from the world's most wanted man! For shits and giggles, lets run a 'Seven Degrees of Osama' on George W Bush:

GWB
shakes hauns wi
OBLs oil bro
who shakes wi
OBL
GWB
shakes
hauns wi
OBL's oil bro
who shakes
hauns wi
OBL

Hmmmm........ Bring me the Skull & Bones Club Black Book......

Cities of Fashion

Glasgow is punting itself as a cool and trendy city in its latest advertising campaigns, up there with Barcelona or other cool and trendy medium-sized European cities. But if Glasgow is the new black, in celebration of the large raincloud that parks its arse over the town for several months each winter, then what are the other cities in Scotland?
  • Aberdeen: The New Grey


  • Edinburgh: You'll Have Had Your Colour


  • Dundee: The New Bridge o'er the Silv'ry Tay, Will Stand I'm Sure For Many's a Day, For in All Victoria's Dominion, it is the Finest River Crossing, in My Humble Opinion


  • Stirling: The New City, Look! We're Officially a City!!


  • Inverness: The New-Fangled


  • Perth: Wheesht! Novelty Colours, Really!

Charles Kennedy: Ill, or Toper?

Let us consider the FACTS, and NOTHING BUT the FACTS:
  • FACT: Winston Churchill liked a drink.
  • FACT: As did Queen Victoria. Perhaps.
  • FACT: Boris Yeltsin personally faced off coup tanks, whilst tanked on scoops.
  • FACT: Most suicide bombers are almost certainly teetotal.
  • FACT: As is George W Bush, these days.
  • FACT: Kennedy has no bairns yet - enjoy life while one can!
  • FACT: The high tax on spirits means that drinkers contribute proportionally more to the exchequer - and we all KNOW how much the Lib Dems like proportional representation.
  • FACT: Kennedy is the only major Westminster opposition party leader who isn't an opportunistic, power-crazed hypocrite.
We say: Charles Kennedy, there's nowt wrong with you! Take a drink!

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to truth or humour is strictly coincidental. Copyleft 2004 Craig Weldon.