Issue #7 27th June 2002
Transmitting Satire From Scotland
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Daily Record Achieves PerfectionYesterday's Daily Record is a milestone in news reporting history, today's Daily Record claims. For yesterday's edition was the most sublime, perfect Daily Record possible, with 100% indicators of interest registering amongst the target audience for every single page. Daily Record editor Peter Cox wept last night, as his team finally achieved the gold standard. "That is it. My work here is done. We have produced the perfect newspaper - well done to all of you," he said in an emotionally charged meeting, tears in his eyes and to appaluse. "I must leave and seek pastures new - perhaps at the Daily Mirror - for we can never again achieve such a coming together of features and reporting." As the end of an era, pundits wonder what is next for the Daily Record. "The Record has finally achieved perfection in its mission of keeping moaning faced west central Scotland in its place," said newspaper expert Bob Goldchains, "and everyone will wonder what is next. My feeling is that it can go either one of two ways in seeking a new direction - more tits, or real news." That perfect Daily Record in full:
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Mmm, Deep Fried Tunnock's TeacakesAyrshire chipalateur, Boaby Manelli, toasted victory recently at the third annual shit food awards, with his all Scottish creation - Deep Fried Tunnocks Teacakes. This victory, the third in a row for modern Scottish produce, did not come however without a hard fight. "There was a lot of competition," admitted modest Boaby, 46. "Sheeps eyeballs from Mongolia; sour horse milk from Tibet; rat penis from Hong Kong; still crawling crickets from Malawi; fried monkey brains from Madras." But the panel of international judges awarded the Ayrshire chipalateur the highly coveted Pass the Sickbucket 2002 award to his innovative teacake creation, the highly refined and incredibly unhealthy concoction being too sickly for even their robust palates. "It is a simple delicacy really, and I think perhaps that is what swayed the judging panel. Marshmallow, chocolate, fried in a crispy, high cholesterol batter, and garnished with lashings of salt and vinegar." And what could be finer? To celebrate winning the award, Boaby's Troon restaurant, Manelli's, is offering a years free arterty surgery to anyone who can finish eating a whole one. |
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Aye, the Nights Are Fair Drawing In"Summer, you say? The best of summer's over I tell you, and you'd better get used to the idea. Winter's just round the corner. Have you not noticed that sunset is a minute earlier this week than last? Not long now till we're knee deep in snow, struggling up hours before dawn in a power cut, to fix some footery machine, the bare metal raw in your hands, lashing with rain no doubt, dropping tools because you can't hold them in the cold. Aye, the nights are fair drawing in. Fine weather today you say? We'll pay for it tomorrow, that's for sure. Can't see an end to the drop in prices. I'd sell up if it was worth anything. Aye. Well, Wednesday now, day after tomorrow's Friday, that's the end of the week and we've only got a couple days work done. Can't stand nattering here all day - there's things needing doing." |
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Why are Femicoms (except Smack the Pony), so Unfunny?by our Deliberately Controversial columnistThere are many things beyond the ken of man. The way clapped out, unreliable cars are an irresistible challenge; the ways beer tastes better and better the closer one gets to the bottom of the glass; but, most of all, the inexplicable popularity of femicoms. Now many things are funny. Monty Python, is funny; ask me not how. Married With Children too, retains a certain charm. Yet where, in the long length of my funny bone, is the tickle from Absolutely Fabulous? What mysterious force commands people to laugh at Birds of a Feather? One can only conclude that comedy made by women (except Smack the Pony) is simply not amusing to your average male. I have tried, believe me, to raise a titter to Dinnerladies; forced myself to watch an entire series – an entire series I say! – of The Vicar of Dibley – and yet, nothing. The entire genre (except Smack the Pony) remains as resolutely unfunny as a bad episode of The Baldy Man. My other half maintains that I am simply an unreconstituted chauvinist – that all femicoms (except Smack the Pony) have something valid to offer the world of comedy. But I disagree. I know what I see with my own eyes. And my eyes are telling me that no femicoms (except Smack the Pony) can make me laugh. Was it written by a man? |