Issue11 29th January 2003
Transmitting Satire From Scotland
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Virtual
Tour of Scotland FirstFoot Jaggy Thistle Wreckered Webrag |
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McLetchie's Contempt for Leader Concealed Behind Outward Mask of Bonhomie With the Scottish elections looming, David McLetchie, leader of the Scottish Conservatives, held a press conference yesterday with leader of the UK Conservative party, the anonymous, ineffectual Ian Duncan Smith. The competent McLetchie, answering all questions fielded to the pair, appeared to shake hands heartily and pose happily for a photo afterwards with his party leader. However, hootsmon.com's body language expert, Ken Fitilike, points to evidence in the photo that McLetchie's outward bonhomie actually conceals a deep contempt for his leader. "Examine this photo," says Ken, "and you will see what I see. David's feet point away from Ian's, indicating that he does not want to be seen to be in step with him. If he truly liked his leader, his feet would actually be pointing towards Ian, not away." Further examination of the press conference footage revealed more damning evidence. "At this point, Ian Duncan Smith speaks. One of the few moments when he does. Notice how David McLetchie holds his hand over his mouth, as if to subconciously suppress himself from shouting at the top of his voice 'Shut up! You are an incompetent, useless idiot!!' I can only conclude that, like everyone else, Mr McLetchie actually holds a deep, abiding contempt for Mr Duncan-Smith."
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Barrs Irn Bru Makes You Sexy, Says Barrs Sponsored Survey"Hey, sexy mamma! Yo Senga, let me taste your sweetness! Have you been drinkin' the Bru again?! Whoooeee! I thought so! Have some flowers!" Such is the response that walking down the street swigging a can of cold Irn Bru may engender in members of the opposite sex, a recently commissioned survey discovered recently. The survey - paid for by Barrs - showed that 60% of Scots would consider sleeping with someone they knew was a regular Irn Bru drinker. The effect is intensified by simultaneously swigging from two cans, one in each hand. And for the most mind-blowing sexy phoar-blimey ooer missus know what I mean? effect, a minimum of eight cans of Barrs Irn Bru should be consumed per day. "It seems incredible, but our survey does not lie," reported surveyor Christina Biggins, who intensively surveyed the area of Parkhead in the immediate vicinity of Barrs factory. "Irn Bru really does seem to improve your sex life to an almost comically ridiculous extent." |
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'We Know Best' Say City Fathers'Come to Glasgow - We Know Best' has been unveiled as the latest slogan of Glasgow. Or to be more precise, the slogan of Glasgow's 'City Fathers' - the shadowy organisation in charge of Glasgow City Council. The City Fathers rely on the Glasweigan's innate faith in centralised beauracracy for their stranglehold on the city's purse strings, housing, education, transport, and culture. "Yes, it is true. We DO know best," said city father Jeanette McAvoy, patting a weegie in a patronising manner on the head. "Glasgweigans can't be trusted to take responsibility for their own lives, and so we step in to provide this essential service. All for their own good, of course. They need us." The City Fathers frown upon any un-Calvanist activity, such as living in decent housing, or smiling, as being essentially 'unweegie.' And any abberant behaviour is not tolerated. "Because of the city's high northern latitude, and celtic propensities, people like to break loose, drinking, drug taking, and going a bit wild. Well, we cannot have any of that. Drink isn't illegal, but we can make it as unpleasant as possible - try to get a decent pint in a Glasgow bar, or hold a conversation over pounding disco music. You uncivilised scum don't DESERVE decent pubs. Bwa ha ha ha." |
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Unst, Yell, Twatt, Mavis Grind: Were the Vikings Taking the Piss?Lerwick, January 2003. At the recent Up Helly Aa fire festival, a midwinter celebration of all things Viking, Norweigan academic Gunnar Gunnarsson caused a furore in his address to the gathered participants. The bomb he dropped? The idea that in colonizing Shetland, the Vikings were, in fact, taking the piss.
"Consider place names in Iceland, or Norway," said the professor, stroking his long, Viking style beard. "What do we have? Although we have places with mildly amusing names, such as Thingvellir, Molde, Hell, or Grong, nowhere do we have places of such absurdity as Twatt or Grind of the Navir. It is my conclusion that the Viking settlers who ended up in Shetland were taking the piss, much like the Australian settlers of Iron Knob, or the Pennslyvanian settlers of Intercourse, and I plan to prove it." Professor Gunnarsson based his evidence on the recently found documents in an Icelandic burial mound, detailing plans to undermine the power of the Pictish kingdom by invading the Northern Isles, and giving their settlements and geographical features silly names.
"Well, I don't know about this," said Magnus Legbiter, chief of ceremonies at this year's Up Helly Aa. "The Vikings were a very serious race. They did not go in for silly names at all." Meanwhile, Professor Gunnarsson intends to research the area of Galloway to see if he can discover the provenance of names such as Rig of the Jarkness, Curleywee, and The Rhinns. |