Issue #5 30th May 2002

Transmitting Satire From Scotland

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Queen Draws Adoring Crowds in Jubilee Visit

by our feudalism correspondent
The Queen, touring the country for her jubilee, has been visiting Scotland this week - drawing vast, cheering multitudes in every corner of the land. In Glasgow she was received by the biggest crowd since Friday night, as literally two thousand schoolchildren from all over the west coast turned up to cheer her on and catch a glimpse of their beloved head of state. Edinburgh returned an even warmer welcome to the returning monarch, as a small section of Princes St stood two deep in noisy, cheerful witness to one of the most popular rulers this country has ever had. Literally a thousand people from all over the north east turned up to cheer on the Queen in Aberdeen, and her visit has been hailed universally by organisers as a great sucess. And as Her Majesty flew over the Highlands, surveying vast tracts of unpopulated land given over to deer shooting estates, she was again given cause to smile over the turnout of the grateful population, and especially charming Portree ten year old David Nisbet. David, when asked by the Queen on her walkabout if he knew what was special about the forthcoming weekend, replied "yes ma'am - the World Cup."

Nuclear 'Old Firm' Threatened by Nuclear 'New Firm'

For years, it seemed that only two players were ever in the hunt in the battle for global domination - those mutually assured enemies the United States and the Soviet Union. International politics during the cold war was, quite frankly, a farce, as everyone knew who the winner would be - perhaps the balance of power would change from year to year, but only one of two countries could ever really win. The rest of the world simply looked on, taking part maybe, but really only as fodder for the big two's mutual death battle. But fans of the international arms race have been encouraged recently by the vast progress made by previously unfancied countries. "Yes, it seems that the 'New Firm' of Pakistan and India are ready to take over from the 'Old Firm' of the Americans and the Soviets. This is a new golden age in the history of global conflict," according to our chief arms race reporter. "In this new, destabilised age, there are many countries which could bring about the destruction of civilisation, not just the US or USSR. It is a great time to be a war fan," he concluded. And there are signs that things can only get even more interesting. "The USA and Russia now only have enough nuclear weaponry to destroy the world once over, down from a high of three times in the early eighties," explained our frontline pundit and respected former statesman Lord Howe. "In the meantime, other countries, especially in the Middle East and Asia, are catching up. Never has the future of the world been in such doubt," he added excitedly. "All neutral observers agree - this is the most exciting time ever in international relations. I just can't wait to settle down in front of the TV and see what the forthcoming season brings."

Scots Only THIRD Least Healthy Nation in Developed World; Health Chiefs Celebrate

Scotland’s health chiefs danced a little jig of joy when it was revealed today that Scotland only had the third least healthy citizens in the developed world – being beaten to the hospitals and morgues by the Irish, as well as the Finns. "Yehaah!" yelled health minister Susan Deacon. "We’re not as sickly as we first thought! We’re no longer the runt of the litter! I’m off to celebrate with 10 pints of heavy and a packet of fags."

Scotland in World Cup DIY Action

As world cup fever spreads over the globe, the citizens of Scotland prepare for the world's greatest tournament with a cold beer, a set of screwdrivers, and a visit to B&Q. As one member of the Tartan Army put it "If you cannae be in it, you may as well get on with all the wee jobs you've been putting off for the summer." "Ach, we've been needing a new kitchen for a few years now," explained Shug Mackay. "In fact I'm glad we're no in the world cup, as it gives me the chance to redecorate the house," he said unconvincingly, having repainted just two summers ago. Other football fans concur. "Japan would have cost a fortune," said young Scotland fan Heather Robertson. "So in a way, it is a blessing Scotland didn't qualify - isn't it?" However, 22 year old fan Richard Burns was not quite so pleased. "I was too young to go to France 98, and of course Scotland never qualified for the last European championship. Give the current new squad a year or two to bed down, and I won't be able to go to a major football tournament until I am 28," he said, wistfully fondling a recently purchased novelty Scotland Passport Holder. "Come on, Sweden," he was heard to whisper, just under his breath.

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to truth or humour is strictly coincidental. Copyleft 2002 Craig Weldon.