Issue22 31st July 2003
Transmitting Satire From Scotland
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Virtual
Tour of Scotland FirstFoot Jaggy Thistle Wreckered Webrag |
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VisitCameron!The previously little-known lilting Orkney accent has been given a massive boost recently with a native Orcadian, Cameron From Big Brother, winning this year's Big Brother competition. (For those who haven't seen this show - it is where a bunch of nubile wannabes get to live with each other in Room 101, under the gaze of a huge poster of Lenin. Or something.) This has piqued viewer interest in visiting the scenic, historic, and friendly islands of Orkney, and the Orkney Tourist Board plans to make full use of the 'Big Brother Factor' in luring visitors north, even going to the extent of registering visitcameron.com as a pointer to visitorkney.com.The rest of Scotland's regional tourist boards look set to do the same...
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Edinburgh to Introduce 'Alcoholic Tolerance Zone'Edinburgh Provost Lesley Hinds recently announced an extension to the city council's successful 'tolerance zone' schemes. "With a 'Prostitution Tolerance Zone' being in place around the pubic triangle at the bottom of Leith Walk, a 'Poverty Tolerance Zone' in operation in Wester Hailes, Craigmillar, and Granton, and a 'Car Barely Tolerated Zone' everywhere else, the city council feels that it is time to look at other ways of expanding the successful 'tolerance zone' concept," said the jet-setting leader. "People like to have a drink, and in Edinburgh, we feel we have come up with the ideal solution for separating dangerous alcoholics from the rest of the populace." This involves setting up an 'Alcoholic Tolerance Zone' just outside the city boundaries. 41 miles west of the city boundaries, in fact. In George Square. In Glasgow. |
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SettlerWatchWatchToday's update on SettlerWatchWatch, the organisation that watches the watchers watching the settlers, watches SettlerWatch stalwart Brian McCumberland, 36. Brian has been watching settlers for the last twenty-five years, ever since his family temporarily moved to Yorkshire and he spent some miserable schooldays being mercilessly teased for his Scottish accent. Brian deals with this trauma by extending a traditional Oregon greeting (welcome to Scotland: now leave) to his non-native neighbours, occasionally posting SettlerWatch literature through their letter boxes, spreading inflammatory gossip about them in the pub, and generally acting like a right small-minded prick. Anyway, here are three great reasons he gave us why the English shouldn't be allowed to settle in Scotland:1. Can't get laid 2. Just watched Braveheart for the 2,476th time 3. Still lives with his mother So there you go! More SettlerWatch watching next week, when we ask the question: if Scotland is such a great place to live, why not welcome more people to stay here? |
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Irritating Yah NOT in Edinburgh For FestivalIrritating yah Angus Campbell told of his frustration yesterday at the hordes of irritating yahs invading Edinburgh for August's annual festival beano. "It's an appalling time of year to be stuck in Edinburgh," he told us over a Pernod in one of Edinburgh's snootier establishments. "Not so much for the fact that you simply cannot get around central Edinburgh for fire eaters, jugglers, and so-called comedians. No, it is that everyone I meet seems to think that I am some kind of flightly, cocaine-snorting Sloane. Do I look like the kind of chap who would pay to see a show where people drive nails through their genitals? I've worked for Scottish Widows for the last three years, and every August it is the same: taxi drivers, waiters, and publicans seem to think that a good opening gambit of conversation is to ask how I am enjoying the festival." He reflected for a while, and, realising we weren't buying the next round, continued. "Look, I live here," said the irritating yah, "and although I hate the festival as much as anyone else, it does have the side effect that it's the only time of year old chums bother to make the effort to visit. Now push off, yah." |