Transmitting Satire From Scotland

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Hootsmon.com brings a uniquely Caledonian perspective to the events shaping our world.
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Craig is a recently unexiled Scot, who used to work in submarines. He believes that the internet is just a passing fad, and is jumping on the bandwagon now before everyone comes to their senses, switches their computers off, and heads down the pub.
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PAST ISSUES
Send article suggestions to craig@hootsmon.com.

Issue 37

Wanted: Advisor to First Minister
Colonel Bin Laden to Open New Global Branches
On-Time Train Throws Passenger Plans Into Disarray
Come on Ye Inger-land!

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Issue 36

Lawn Mowing Torture Photies
Those Real Torture Photies
Euro-Election Special
A Handy Guide For Tabloid Hacks to the Nicknames of the Rich and Famous of Scottish Politics

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Issue 35

Foreign Minions of the Dark Lord to Descend Like Vultures and Feast on the Bounty That is Britain's Welfare System, Reveals Daily Mail
'Europe: a Wonderful Opportunity to do Less, Better' Says Jack McConnell
The Hootsmon.com Guide to Those New EU Members
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Issue 34

Feel Ma Baws
The Seven Degrees of Osama Bin Laden
Cities of Fashion
Charles Kennedy: Ill, or Toper?

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Issue 33

Queen: "Holyrood Be Um Ugly Heap"
Speak Like an Edinburgher
On The Dole: Bad Occupations
Flower of Scotland Ditched for Random Anthem

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Issue 32

Edinburgh's 2003 Hogmanay Washout
Scottish Salmon World's Most Contaminated, US-based Scientists Reveal
Leave it Aht, Apples and Pears, Apples and Pears
Burns Night A'right

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Issue 31

**Special Issue**
THE PLACE NAMES OF BRITAIN

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Issue 30

MSPs Ban Christmas
I Hogmanay Hate
Ex-Smug TV Weather Presenter Switches Alliegance
David Blunkett's Eyes

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Issue 29

A Little Less Conversation, A Little More Reaction!
Scots Crisis of Confidence Conference
Glasgow Bridge
Christmas Credit Card Scams

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Issue 28

Bush Visits Britain
'Shoddy Service' Living History Attraction a Roaring Success
Glasgow to Run Incapacity Benefit Festival
Definately NOT Racist Man in Ned Vitriol

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Issue 27

Rugby World Cup Fever Sweeps Scotland
Concorde's Last Flight
Tally Ho! It's IDS Huntin' Season
This Year's MTV Europe Awards Hosted in Edinburgh

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Issue 26

China Sends Manned Rocket Into Space
Frank McAveety Calls for National Sport, Culture, Leisure, Music, Arts, & Tourism Day
Drugs Found in Scottish Parliament Toilets
Goths & Neds in Battle Over Ownership of Moral Low Ground

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Issue 25

Jack McConnell's Reserved Matters
Guide to Scottish Pronounciation
McConnell: "Bitter North Lanarkshire Socialists ARE the Law"
118, 118

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Issue 24

McCartney Weds in Fairytale Scottish Castle
Scotland's Most Moaning-Faced Man Revealed
ScotsBride.com
+++ For Sale +++

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Issue 23

Health of Scottish Men Has Almost Become a National Joke
Edinburgh and Glasgow Team Up
Butteries Accorded Royal Food Status
Carve Your Faces on the Moon!

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Issue 22

VisitCameron!
Edinburgh to Introduce 'Alcoholic Tolerance Zone'
SettlerWatchWatch
Irritating Yah NOT in Edinburgh For Festival

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Issue 21: The Keys to the Whisky Cabinet Issue!

Exclusive Interview! Silvio Berlusconi
Hen, You Couldnae Afford a Tan Like This
Charles Kennedy's Batman Outfit Leads to Embarrassing Episode at Westminster Fancy Dress Party
"Get Me Sue Yerass QC!" Rants Alastair Crookedmouth

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Issue 20

Problems in Parliament? Blame Donald Dewar
Hey, Curran - Leave Us Kids Alone!
Official, WorldWide, Jim Delahunt Appreciation Society
Buachaile Etive Mor

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Issue 19

Free Trade - How Global Economics Works
US President Visits Egypt
Invasion of the Sun Snatchers
Tight Friends? Try These Handy Tips

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Issue 18

Congratulations to Celtic
Naebody Move - There's Been a Vote!
Null Points Britain
Hey Big International Company, Open Your Branch Office Here!

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Issue 17

Nae Singing in the Scottish Parliament...
Galloway Goes Gaga
SSP - The New Monster Raving Loonies?
Apathy Party Gains non-Votes

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Issue 16

Bush 'We Cannot Ignore SSP Threat'
EU Introduce National Caricature Standards
Vote Labour or Risk Destroying the Physical Fabric of the Universe, Says Daily Record
The Big Rant: Scottish Tourism

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Issue 15

Unite World Opinion With UN Resolution 1442!
NHS First Priority of Chain Smoking, Alcoholic Couch Potatoes
Talent/Opinon: Scottish Parliament
Scottish Election: Websites of the Parties

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Issue 14

Scottish Election: Who Cares?
Allies Secure Vital Beachheads in Al Faw, Basra, US Media
Law-Abiding Teen Sick of Suspicious Shopkeeper
Lotto Potto

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Issue 13: The Unlucky Issue!

Peace Marchers in Single-Issue Confusion
No to War! Until the Opinion Polls Change
Thankyouverymuchladiesandgentlemen
Local Braveheart Demonstrates Intellectual and Cultural Superiority

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Issue 12

Hootsmon.com Headlines
Save Our Sectarians
Save Me From Michael Fucking Jackson Documentaries
Next Week: The Leader Interviews

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Issue 11

McLetchie's Contempt for Leader Concealed Behind Outward Mask of Bonhomie
Barrs Irn Bru Makes You Sexy, Says Barrs Sponsored Survey
'We Know Best' Say City Fathers
Unst, Yell, Twatt, Mavis Grind: Were the Vikings Taking the Piss?

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Issue 10

Abrakebabra Rebranded Anontimo in Global Takeover Bid
World Dictator Shortage
Cod Crisis: Eat Beef
Moneylenders in the Temple

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Issue 9

Scottish Tourist Board to Market 'Rain and Bog' Holidays
Foxhunter Vows to Target Truant Children
Starting Fights in the Name of Democracy Since 1953
My Parliamentarian is an Ex-Smug TV Weather Presenter

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Issue 8

SNP Consider New Logo
Riot at Summer Festival
Piper Paid to Shut TFU
Embarassment Cause of Death, Teenage Autopsy Reveals

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Issue 7

Daily Record Achieves Perfection
Mmm, Deep Fried Tunnock's Teacakes
Aye, the Nights Are Fair Drawing In
Why are Femicoms (except Smack the Pony), so Unfunny?

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Issue 6

Paisley Birth Deformities Down - Dirty Bomb Suspected
Edinburgh Introduces Entry Fee
Brian Burnett Britain's Sexiest Man, say over 65s
Braveheart is Touchstone of My Scottish Identity

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Issue 5

Queen Draws Adoring Crowds in Jubilee Visit
Nuclear 'Old Firm' Threatened by Nuclear 'New Firm'
Scots Only THIRD Least Healthy Nation in Developed World; Health Chiefs Celebrate
Scotland in World Cup DIY Action

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Issue 4

Dewar's Statue - Scaring Small Children Already
Venture Capitalist worth worth more than Nurse, Claims Daily Record
Barrs Irn Bru Only Fizzy Pop Recommended by National Dental Association
We're a Nation of Pub Freaks

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Issue 3

Tommy Sheridan: My Taxi Shame
School's Shit Jobs Programme a Roaring Success
Your Cut & Paste Guide to Scottish Newspapers
Committed Canoeist: 'I Wish I Could Find a Life Partner'

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Issue 2

'Hey, it Was All Just a Joke,' Admits Mugabe
Nationalists Set Up Political Youth Academy
Smacking Ban: Use Psychological Cruelty Instead
Glasgow Voted UK's Gurniest City

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Issue 1

UK in Quiet Self-Congratulation Over Queen Mum Death Response
Tartan Day Passes in Haze of Celtic Misidentification
Stephen Byres Leaves Government For Lucrative Inter-City Job
Missing Climber Found in Hawaii

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Issue 0

Train Driver's Junk Mail a Lot More Upmarket These Days
Unlikely Consortium of Animals Blamed for Drinking Session Aftermath
Gumshoes & Stalkers Agree - Start Your Search at Friendsreunited.com
Overworked and Undermotivated Man Spends More and More Time on News Sites, Messageboards

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Disclaimer: Any resemblance to truth or humour is strictly coincidental. Copyleft 2003 Craig Weldon.